We all want more knowledge and sharing from Astaire perel and right now we're going to hear a stair. Answer your questions. We'll be right back.
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I'd love to share some questions that come directly from the community. Here's one that came up so often is it completely
awful to schedule sex, the
first few years after having children,
not that tool.
Not at all but you see the word schedule in the American mind often involves, you know, very task-oriented calendar but you can also look at it in a much more beautiful, poetic way that there's a ritual around it. So the question is, what happens once you meet is there a ritual? You know, is there a coming together? Is there an anticipation? I mean part of what you want is that makes it erotic
Is the fact that you look forward to something forward to spending time together, for to connect former to experience, pleasure forward, to be taken care of, whatever it is. But there the anticipation is the mortar of in our imagine an erotic imagination. So schedule away and then ask yourself what do I do with the fact that I can rely on this time? I know it's set, it's ours, it's Saturday morning, it's Sunday, evening, whatever, and
And make it special, because that's what's changes it from something that is routine to something that is ritualized. A ritual is a routine that is infused with intentionality and
creativity. And my visual, as you're talking is like the schedule, right? Because I hear this a lot from parents to, it's like, oh, when my two kids are both napping and there's like a 45-minute overlap, it has to be then or whatever it is. I don't know. I picture that as like you're saying, there's a container like that's what you're dead.
To wife. But then within the container, there could be a lot of
clean up the porch. Yeah actually see we have 45 minutes. Let's go play. Yeah. Why not? I love it. You know when you have little ones structure creates Freedom before you have the structure of the kids, the freedom is the lack of structure. One of the most important things to redefine is that, with kids, Freedom comes from structure, not from the absence of it,
mmm-hmm, okay, another question that came up a lot being in caretaking,
Mode. Feels like it's a threat to being romantic being in caretaking mode of your kids.
Yes. So I think that is a very, very interesting piece. I just did a little clip in Australia, that went completely viral over exactly this thing. So this is what I'm going to say.
I'm going to say better than I did in the first time. Very often, if I work with a heterosexual couple, I will hear a caring male partner, say nothing turns me on more than to see her turned on. I love seeing her into it, because if she's into it, he doesn't have to deal with the predatory fear.
He knows she's enjoying it. I have yet to hear.
A straight woman, say nothing turns me on more than to see him turned on, if she's not into it.
If she's not into it, whatever is happening to him will not change her. What turns her on is, what happens to her. And for that, it means that she needs to be able to focus on herself away from the worry and the responsibilities and the care taking of others.
One of the most difficult things in the transition from mother to woman from caregiver to erotic being is the ability to switch the focus on to oneself in a healthy. Narcissism, I really would pleasure use that word away from the responsibilities and the caregiving. It's her turn on its what's happening to her that will ignite her. And so then you ask for some women it's about taking off the apron that is filled.
Spit. And that's all I need in order to move to retrieve the woman that is behind the mother. For another person, it's about leaving the house for another person. It's about leaving the city. How much do I need to be away from that? Locus of caregiving that allows me to feel Carefree to attend to myself to allow myself to experience. Pleasure without worrying. That something is going to happen to the people over. Whom I am responsible.
So awesome.
It in their house with their partner. Yep. And they struggle to make this shift. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I need that trip out of the city or I need this. I didn't. I see it. Well,
I see first of all, I completely get it and I explained to the partner you really need to understand it. This is almost evolutionary. This is not your wife or your partner. This is you know, Revolution did the job very well. It made women completely feeling that sense of responsibility which is part of why in history did, she's been divided the mother
Here. And the other woman was there, it's the integration of these two people inside the same household is a challenge and Victoria Secret doesn't solve this. So the first thing is, what helps you transition? This is it a shower? Is it a walk? Is it a bad? Is it some good music over your ears? Is it just being allowed 15 minutes to be alone in the room and have? No, obligation, no responsibility. Nobody asking you anything. What helps you do?
That should be part of the ritual of scheduling, for example. So then you give the partner a roll. It's not just that you have to give to talk her into it. The next thing is it doesn't always start with desire. You can have a responsive desire, not an initiating, these are so it starts with willingness I don't know, I could do without I could just as well go to bed. But, you know, I'll see where it takes me. Let's see. And don't take this as she's not into it or she has less desire and
A discrepancy. It just means that at this stage willingness is one way for her to shift, from mother to lover. Hmm, then if she says, I need to be out of the city then make sure you do you use your fantasy life and you create a trip. You know, I had a fantastic couple in the pandemic. The story of they were supposed to travel exactly to the other City. They had delete the whole thing. The plane. Everything got stopped there was nowhere to
To go and they created the beach inside their living room just for a night. You know, why only we children do we play? Why is it only the children, who take books and turn them into rocks and think they're on a river for
why? You know, there's a lot of self-consciousness, right? Feels awkward for a lot of adults with their Partners, what
lovers but with their Partners. Yes, of course. What cannot wait because there is this notion that once you have entered family life and Domesticity you have to become all serious.
It just a matter of saying, okay? I'm just gonna cut, we're going to do this, it's just like jumping off the diving
board, just trying saying and being and seeing, how can you believe this is so awkward? But the first time there is nothing more exciting than to be transgressive in your own home and to step out of the role and the box that this role puts you in rather than have to create a whole massive production. We have freedom in confinement, comes from our imagination. Our imagination can take us anywhere and
And we do go to the movies, to the theater to art for exactly that because it takes us outside of our reality. It it goes outside, the boundaries of what is permitted, the couples who have it. Do this naturally, it's not that they don't have dips. It's not that they don't have dry spells. It's just that they know how to resurrect because they know how to bring that erotic are energy hasn't playful creative mischievous curious inside.
Kitchen.
You know what? You just said that I want to kind of just send her for a moment. His, I hear this a lot from parents, who struggle to even take time for themselves away from their kids? How do I go out to dinner at my friends? And Miss bedtime without feeling guilty? And I often say, you're going to do it while you tolerate feeling guilty, and I think we're not going to do without feeling guilty, they'll it's gonna come, you're gonna tolerate, it is part of the experience, and one of the things you're saying about, you know, entering into fantasy or play with your partner is it's going to feel awkward.
And it's not, I don't wait till the moment, it doesn't feel awkward, you can even do this feels awkward. This is so different than what we usually do. Your thing, just, it's part of the experience,
correct? The awkwardness is one character in the play and you talk to the awkwardness. Yeah, you bring it in. And you said, how awkward are you feeling today? You know, for me, it's a 9. But the thing about the guilt about going for dinner, I mean, that is systemic. This is not that your grandparents did not feel guilty when they went for dinner later, when they went away for two weeks for that matter, and for some of us
Our parents, this is very generational. This is part of the domination on the parent. I really think that it's it needs to be called out as such and not to be told. Well, if you don't want to give everything to your kids that don't have them, right? Because that's the answer that we that you, then get go out. And here is why because if you don't and you deprive yourself, you begin to ask your children to become your emotional caregivers, you want your children to
To validate your sacrifice. You want your children to make sure that you're not too alone and to disconnected. And when you recruit your children into that caretaking role, you're creating a legacy of emotional burden that is not going to be too good for them.
Or I know this is going to line well on our listeners because I feel like the, you know, people might hear about me or good inside about kind of certain parenting strategies. But really, you know, what we're about is redefining motherhood is not martyrdom, it's not good for anyone, no, but nobody benefits from a
Selfless parent, not the kid, not the parent nobody
but you not even selfless. That's the interesting thing is that you you surreptitiously past the burden on to your kids? Yes. You want your kids to validate what you gave up for them and then you resent them when they challenge you or when they don't want to spend more time with you or when they're not thinking that you're the best thing that ever happened to them. You put an emotional burden on your children for something that other people need to.
Provide we live in community, we can't ask our kids to be the validators of our Parenthood. Did you see it with your friends? And you discuss that and you get a sense of normality?
So Astaire and I have been talking a lot about sex, but what about when your kid asks you about sex, my kid came home and asked me. But how does the baby get into the uterus? How does it actually get in or most recently? Why does that kid on the bus? Always laugh? When they say the number 69, 69. What is that about? All right, well, I just did two mini workshops on this in membership. So if you're a good inside member,
Go log on and you can listen to either or both of them. One is geared for kids who are toddlers and early Elementary and one of them is geared for having kids who are older check it out, you're going to get so much from them.
Okay, last question. So I know we're gonna have to wrap up. I know there's a lot of people listening, probably thinking their steps. I would need to take, you know before, you know, before sex before more intimacy me and my partner feel so far apart that erotic energy feels so far away are there things that people might not even think about our legitimate steps that are kind of concrete
doable. Yes, the many things and many
Meetings and I write about it. I mean, you know, I created the whole card game, where should we begin a game of stories? Because it creates a different conversation between partners? And I've seen people do one card a day and just say, you know what we've gotten stale. So the first thing you do is you kind of acknowledge you go to your partner, you write the letter when you sit on the plane one day or where you're stuck in an airport and you just say, I was thinking of us and I realize it's been 2 months, 2 years,
Ten years, whatever, we have really grown apart, and I just noticed it and I was shocked. I was sad. How did this happen? And I know I'm sure I have done a lot of things to contribute to that. You don't start blaming, you just own your part when you part and the other person can own. There's I miss you. I miss us. I miss the person. I thought I was going to be. How did I get there? What happened?
And I'm suddenly not even sure that we can come back from there. But I would like to try. I'm not sure you want to come back from there, but I hope you still do. Well I want to tell you and this is the vulnerable part. I want to do better, will you join me and then you get the chills?
Because this is caring for your relationship and then you say when they come home, that doesn't mean you wait for them in the lounge of here. This is not, you just really see, can we sit? And you know, what was it like for you to read this letter? Or you don't process the letter and you just say and you just make a beautiful table and you say I just thought we needed more than just standing at the counter and I wanted us to sit again and to have nice music and
Cook something for you or to order something in.
I wanted to make you feel that you matter that you're special, that it's important to me and that I will do whatever it takes for that. And this is the challenging thing is that you're going to do it without knowing for fact that the other person is right there because they may have tried for a while and you are missing in action or because who knows, but you do it because it matters to you, it's enlightened self-interest.
That's what will help you with the vulnerability on the matter. So term for for Terry real that I love to use. And then you just say, you know, when we see that the couch, you suddenly take their hand and you say, wow, it's been a while since we held hands like this. And then you take their shoulder and you massage it, or you put your hand in their hair and you just say whoa you know, it feels nice. You don't say why don't we ever do this? You don't say it's been so long. You know how long do I have to wait?
Or when they finally kissed you back to say what took you so long. You said that feels nice. It feels a little awkward. We've become so stiff a little bit and we try to just deal by getting packs from the kids. And from the dogs, you know, we've replaced our selves and you own that in an adult language and then slowly, you get closer to them. And then when you are in the shower, you may say join me or maybe just sit in the tub and you go and you rub their back or you
You you know you do gestures, they not lie, Don's their gestures that are meant to be just that it feels nice to touch you know we can live without sex but we don't live well without touch. Yeah that's the slow steps of that, you know, you look nice, you know would you wear that shirt that I like so much and you make the person feel that they are a sensual sexual.
Sighing breathing human being next to you. That's the
process that is so so profound and so important. And, and you make it, you make a so concrete and and thank you. And I hope this is one of many times we speak. This is just the beginning.
What would be the next question? It would if they could. What's the next
question? We would have taken
Should marriage change after
kids. It does. It doesn't should. It definitely does. Yep. So does your experience with you buddy? So does your sexuality so does the resources that are available to the? Those are facts? Yeah. But then there is what you do with the facts. Yeah. What if what I said, struck you
most
Huh. Um I love when you were talking about having having to really
show someone that they matter that
recognizing someone matters has to be matched with like actually doing things about it like manifesting and we do
that we do that with our kids like all the time. So it is a perfect little example that I took from Judy got man that where she says it's one thing to say to someone. Thank you for making
making me the tea. It's another thing to say that was very thoughtful of you.
Mhm. If you want to go back from a task oriented to a meaning oriented relationship. That's an example of the
shift. Yeah.
One is about the tea, and one is about the process
and the process and their intention. You're seeing you Elation, you're connecting
quality of your relationship, determines the quality of your life,
ultimately for for sure. I think that's on your website. You know, the other thing you've said in the past that I think about a lot, and I've used in a lot of my sessions with people is your question of how do you turn yourself off and on and on but I will explain that the
question, right? It's for me, it's a very important.
I'm so it comes from that very thing where I said it's not what happens to the other person. It's what happens to her. In this case, it's a her right? And I asked how do you turn know what turns me off is mmm-hmm or I turn myself off by? Yes, it's very different. From what turns me off. Meaning you turn me off. When yes, what do I
Do that turns me off its, when I worry about the kids, it's when I'm anxious about my needs. When I didn't take time for myself, it's when I feel bloated and have overeaten. It's when we have a fight that I turn myself off when, and I turn myself on, I awaken myself when I'm in nature, when I listen to music when I go out with friends, that answer is what will help you the most with your question about how do I not feel guilty when I go out with my girlfriends? Hmm,
you know, I think it's a new
Thought for a lot of people of, you know, turning myself on or off, that's not something someone else controls.
No. Because desire is to own the wanting. Yes, you can't make people desire. You can make people do things but you can't make them want it. So the one thing is entirely yours and the wanting is not sexual it's about feeling alive. Yeah, if you don't feel alive, you can have sex, women have done sex for centuries and felt
Nothing. That's not the point. The point is to experience a sense of Vitality in the relationship. That's what people want and you want it with your kids and you want it with your partner. So you have to take some of the energy away from the kids and into the relationship because it will actually give more to the kids. When you do more for the couple, that's the triangle. I want people to stay with.
Hallelujah, for real. Thank you, my pleasure.
So I have an idea, you might be thinking so much of this episode resonates, but it's such a hurdle to get over to talk about these things with my partner. Well, one of the things I know from working with couples is talking about tricky, topics is much easier. When you have a third. What do I mean a third instead of talking directly about a topic to a partner, the two of you talk about an episode you both listen to or an article you both saw or a book you both read. So right now,
Now, consider sharing this episode with your partner, as a way to bridge the gap. Maybe add a note like, hey, there were a lot of really interesting points that made me think about things differently. Thought you might be interested in this too or take it a step further. And right, I miss you. I'd love to reconnect. Maybe we can both listen to this and talk about it together.
Thanks for listening to share a story or ask me a question. Go to good inside.com podcast. You could also write me at podcast at good inside.com.
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Good inside with dr. Becky is produced by Jesse Baker and Eric Newsome at magnificent noise. Our production staff includes Sabrina far, he Julian at and Kristen Mueller. I would also like to thank Erica, belski, Mary, Panico, Ashley Valenzuela and the rest of the good inside team. And One Last Thing, Before I Let You Go, let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves.
Even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside.
