I think we're so busy chasing down extraordinary moments that we miss all of the happiness and joy that's contained in ordinary moments.

So, what perfectionism is is actually one of our most dangerous defense mechanisms. Perfectionism says to us, 'Hey, Fern. If you look perfect, work perfect, and do it all perfectly, I can help you avoid ever feeling judgment, blame, criticism, or failure. You just need to do it all perfectly. I'm right here. We can do that.'

When we inevitably experience loss and grief in our lives, it can really be defined by the loss of normalcy. God, those moments that I didn't even pay attention to that put a smile, maybe not on my face but on my heart, are gone now. And I never stop to count them as meaningful.

What people don't understand is that where perfectionism drives us, shame is there. So, perfectionism is a function of shame.

I call perfectionism the 20-ton shield. We think we carry it around to keep us from being hurt, but what it actually does is it keeps us from being seen, and it is so addictive.

There are so many people that choose to live disappointed rather than risk feeling disappointment.

It's that saying that I think is true in many ways: Hurting people can hurt people; healed people heal people.

I think we're so shit at holding people accountable that we turn to canceling and shaming and vitriol and name-calling because we either don't know how or we're not willing to do the really rigorous, vulnerable work of holding people accountable.

I think most of us in our culture find it much easier to be angry than to be sad.

We have three pattern responses to shame ... We move away by hiding (secret-keeping), we move toward by people-pleasing, or we move against by using shame and anger to fight shame.

I think we're looking externally for kind of that port in the storm without understanding that what will tether us and keep us from feeling adrift is inside of us, not external to us.

I have a rule when I'm in shame, which is don't talk, text, or type to anybody.

They call emotions feelings because we feel them in the body first. The body is the first indicator light of what's going on.

The thing that shame hates is having words wrapped around it ... Shame can't survive being spoken and shared.

Guilt is 'I did something bad,' and shame is 'I am bad.'

Language does not just communicate emotion. Language shapes and changes what we're feeling.