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Yes, my friends. My guest today is a good friend of mine a hilarious stand-up comedian and he has a new Netflix special. That's out right now. It's called no pain. He is awesome. And also Bryan Callen actually joined us as well. He is Chris D'Elia and then like at our to Brian showed up and it got pretty crazy. So, please give a warm Round of Applause for Chris D'Elia.
The Joe Rogan Experience Train by day Joe Rogan podcast by night all day
Crystal Lee is negative. Yay. I got the test. Isn't it nice?
You know, I got the test cause I know Joe Rogan because I came here and he had a doctor a young strapping doctor. He's handsome. He's handsome for a doctor. I don't like me doctor when doctors are handsome. It's bullshit. I
don't like it when they're dying though. The like look terrible. He looks
healthy. Yeah, I like that. Well, I get it. Yeah, but you want your I mean the old-fashioned in me wants uh can are a doctor to be a hundred years old and have studied for 90 years not today.
Today not today. No, I know because this is because the young guys know what the fuck's really
going on. Yeah, not only that. I want a Doctor Who's got like some energy. I want a doctor does CrossFit right guys fucking
ripped. Yeah, you'd imagine Joe Rogan's doctor definitely looks like it does CrossFit. He does though. No, he knows he's a handsome healthy. He's a handsome guy and he's young. Yes, you know, so he knows he doesn't most importantly he knows. I'm
negative. I got Tab and tested twice already got tested yesterday, and I got tested two days before that. So
and I'm just going to test myself
ready for your Ford.
It fuck
it. Fuck it. So I'm testing everybody. So the way we're doing this here is when people come in to do the podcast test them first keep the fuck away from them and then get but you're the first person I've hugged in a month. It's so
weird. It's my family's weird as fuck. It felt good, honestly, you know, what's you know, what's what's what I want to be here the day somebody comes to the podcast gets tested negative and you have to send them home. Yeah, that's gonna be that's gonna happen. It was true. Of course
if we're sure it's gonna happen.
Yeah, I don't know what I'll do. Maybe we'll like put them down
there. Yeah with a mask on. Yeah, it'd be good for nose. Hey, we got Robert Downey jr.
Here today and he has covid no, he's actually clean Roberts clean.
Somebody's not going to be somebody famous is not
going to be all for sure. Yeah, my friends Turtles positive. He tested positive he went in with his wife and he thought his wife was sick and turns out he was
wow. Yeah, but was he wasn't showing symptoms or
what? So we'll Fatiha. Yeah. He like now I feel
Great. That's that's the thing about me is like I'll hear a thing and then be like doing a sore throat, but
there's a thing on CNN today that said as many as 70% of the people. It's between 50 and 70 percent of the people that test positive feel nothing. Wow. So they're saying that way more people have this than they previously thought right so the risk of hospitalization and or death, although it's still tragic and terrible. It's they're saying it's way lower than they thought which is great.
But at least this is like a dry run like now if something really bad happens now at least look I'm looking at on the positive side. We know that we can get the country to lock down basically not everybody but no for there's another never going to be anything where everybody complies no way but pretty remarkable how many me just drive around here man. It's try get on the highway. It's crazy. It's I Am Legend out there on the
street. I know I must brought my dog. It's
either I thought I thought
because when I was going to leave because your
As far away from a place and I was like, I'm going to I got to leave an hour beforehand and I was like, oh wait. No. I don't know I can team up in 20 minutes beforehand and get there so that it's positive because that surrounds the
positive. Yeah. Yeah. You want to CBD drink you have thats good for you doesn't make you high no, no.
No, that's my question with everything now because everything CD/DVD, okay, I'll have it was
some CBD will fuck you up. I've had some CBD that makes you high the stuff that looks green. There's like a company. Let's I think it's like Leafly. I forget the name of it, but it was really good. And I took like four droppers full and I was like,
Oh, I'm high just a little guy was just a touch Just a Touch. Hi, this is kill Cliff with CBD. I'm addicted to this shit. It's only 25 milligrams of CBD,
but I've broken it down to I used to drink so much soda, like just when I was 30 and I stopped because I took my shirt off at my my parents house and my mom was like you gained some weight and I was like, no I didn't because I always been a hundred seventy-five pounds always my whole life and and I she's like I've asked L upstairs and I was like, okay, I'll check and I was
200 fucking pounds to I like how out to fucking lunch. Am I that I didn't know that I gained just 25 pounds, right? It's a lot of weight and she thought 25
steaks. I know 25 1 pound steaks. I know I know. I know it's a lot of fucking wait, you don't think about it? It was spread all over my body. Thank God. I don't have that gut or whatever the fuck some people get it get it all over
right mind goes right here. Nice gets I get it in the gut and my face my face gets fat faces. Imix ticks. The face is the thing that you don't realize is getting fat because it
He stared at every day. But I mean when I see pictures of me at 30, I look fucking horrible.
It's hilarious. My friends text them to me, like they'll see him sometimes because they'll get tagged them to because I'll be like on the road and and I just and I was like I stepped on the scale and I almost fainted bro. That's how good my life is that I almost fainted that I ate that I gained 25 pounds and and I walked down I walk downstairs like the guy from fucking Saving Private Ryan looking for his arm just in shock and my mom was like what and I was like I get 25 pound.
Like a fucking told you and I stopped drinking soda that day I was like I gotta drink diet and because I would drink like five six sodas
dude, well a day that's a lot of it's a lot of sugar but I would in my head I
would still 12. I'm like, I'm still
fucking young fuck it 30s nothing and and so I so I
so I stopped drinking I switch to diet and diets fucking terrible. Then you're just getting cancer. So I'm like, I'm either gonna be fat again cancer. You know what fuck it I drink diet for three months and I was like, I can't and then I started drinking soda water because I like the bubbles and now I'm
good.
Drink soda water Perrier. I saw like three gentlemen. It's like a fucking gentleman. Take a little lime. I don't do lunch. No, bro.
No, I have all my coffees. Black Mike Lacroix is Limas. Damn? Yeah mattress. I'm dangerous as fuck. Yeah in the jungle. Yeah,
it would look right all I need when they say what do you need if you were in the jungle alone, I need Lacroix and I don't know is it Lacroix Lacroix? Who know? How do you say
it depends on how much of a cock you
are? Yeah, you're a real piece of shit. If you order this like a Lacroix likewise on
Eliquis a croissant and Lacroix or Lacroix
cakes? Yeah, your face is like your kids because you don't notice and you're going to notice this as your child gets older. You don't notice that they're getting bigger. You kind of know they're getting bigger, right but then someone who hasn't seen him in four months, they'll come on go. Holy shit up Big E is like I got bigger. Yeah. I just see him every day.
I never yeah, I don't even notice it now like in his he's been he's two months, but I don't even notice it and then I look at pictures back and let go he was a little man. It's just there. Yeah, they grow ever.
Because they're so small. They grow exponentially every day to like a fucking X-Men dude. It's the weirdest thing ever when they start talking you wait till they
start talking to you. You're going to be like it's gonna blow.
Yeah. It's gonna blow my
mind. It hurts. It hurts. There's so much love ya that. It's like your body's like
dude. I when I saw my kid for the first time I broke down I broke down I started crying like tears like shooting out like a japanimation character. And and I at that point I was like am I going to be the
Who cries or not and then I thought fuck it and then just cried for two days straight. Wow, when my dad came in he broke down and he saw me holding holding him. He broke down and then I broke down the only one that wasn't crying was the fucking baby the
babies like these motherfuckers are gonna take care of me over nothing. I'm bored. People are born every day. Jesus Christ. What kind of a fucking dad do I have? I know and Grandpa
imagine that you when your kid
you just got a
Hope you just like come on set auto you gotta hope you got a good family. Like you got no no call you they have to take care of you. I see people that are shitty parents. I know
and then it like we took in this dog, we found on the street and this motherfucker this dude this dog lives in fucking Beverly Hills. Now we found him near Target in fucking Van Nuys.
The has found him found him running around picked them all kind of dog. Who knows, you know what I mean?
These dogs were your like what kind of dog is that? And then I got
to be like a did I don't fucking know mine. And so he just took it took it
bring bring bring we bring that fucking motherfucker from
the valley deep like
Saticoy know that means this is to Beverly Hills. You understand and this dog fucking runs
away. Every three days does
it and yeah dude. I was one of those doors every three fucking days. It's one of those dogs and we're trying to take care of this motherfucker and it's been about
sick five months now duties run away probably 15 times.
And I'm running around in my fucking boxers and just a shirt and be like dude you hit the lot of ya. Do you not get it? I'm like dude. You don't have said you get fed every day the good food. Yeah. You got other dogs here. Everybody likes you. This is fun. You got a big backyard jump in the fucking pool. If you want. I got the cry motherfucker Lacroix have it and this door - cool and this dog is every chance you get fuck it every chance. He fucking gets dude. I get so mad.
My friend Shaheen has a dog that climbs fences and escapes it climbs. They got video this little dog climbing the fence climbing a fucking fence and escaping.
Don't forget motherfucking. Her dogs are getting Advanced to like Asian girls with asses. They're getting fuckin Advanced. He's gone now and use that
vanished.
There you go Kairos. Is
it coyotes got them or Bobcats. There's a lot of bobcats out here now no shit. You post. Yeah. They're in my neighborhood. There's quite a few there's a video in my neighborhood of a bobcat.
Been with a rattlesnake in the middle of the street like that is
this if it's just the end of the world man
the End of the World As We Know It
uncle is like we call them we call them dark Mike because he's always brings the fucking laughter to a screeching halt like he'll be like, you know, Uncle Mike but he'll be like, oh he'll be will be having a good time and be like, you know, my my neighbor the other day had he has a cat and he checked the backyard. The only thing was left with was the cat's face and we're like What? Yeah Bobcats got it. We're like, dude.
And a good time so he told us one time where the his he knew a guy who had this dog that would scale the wall and jump over. So he tried to stop the dog by leash and I'm up the dog jumped over hung
himself.
Imagine. That's what I'm saying. These dogs. Don't know how good they fucking have. There's a dumb dog or dogs smart. I mean some dogs are smart smart for a dog.
Yes smart for a dark German Shepherds are smart. Those motherfuckers are owed if you have a German Shepherd
Literally have to exercise that thing. You have to take it running you have to do is they gonna buy that stock so you get bored you like? Hey, hey. Hey. Hey, I'm an athlete
I'm not I know let's go. I know time to do some shit, but I saw it. Like, I don't know it was like a tweet the other day, but it's like, you know, we all are staying inside now and it's been like two three weeks four weeks, whatever that's how dogs are all the time and I was like, I'm and my dogs are they maybe they're bored. They definitely a board. I got to your keys and they're kind of just like lap dogs, but I got another dog that's big and then this fucking little one that I don't know what it is
the
One that keeps running away we call him. What do we call
him dirt trash dog? Because he's always fucking in the trash calm Cool Hand Luke
because I always Escape I know dude like it's got Tricks up in the moment in the movie what we got here is a failure to communicate. Yeah. He treats my nice house like it's fucking Angola.
It's so fucking annoying dude.
I get offended at my house. I'm like, this is a nice place. We took you in you piece of shit. Well, he's probably been roamin forever. They get used to Roman. Yeah, that's like fun.
If they get accustomed to roam around the neighborhood, yeah. Yeah, I take my dog out all the time because we live in an area where I can take him. It's only a few minutes from some Trails got yes. I take him why run with them awesome and I we have a yard. So I'll throw the ball in the yard or run with them. We swim together like yeah, he's the best if you don't you never met my
dog. No, but actually the biggest fucking so
cute that is I've never had a golden retriever before their nicest dogs ever everybody. He meets is like his new best friend feel like you are mine.
My best friend, I can't believe you're here everyone if you came over my house, but whoo. Whoo. Whoo. Whoo run around in circles best. They're the nicest dogs, man. They're so
nice. It took me more one of the dogs we have is a mix. It's a golden golden and I think Carly and he's a black like a full black coat and he's just so great man. He's Collies are great dogs to it's a good combination. Yeah, one of those dogs that you want to just take a little bit of the blood and then make another one some people do I know how weird is that? Crazy? Yeah, it's weird. Yeah, but you'll be doing it.
One day
you'll have to you'll have a guy here. That will be like, oh I want to go
now. What's next I've had bunch of different dogs different personalities. Yeah that I loved all that's true. I'd like Rush. Yeah. Yeah. I don't want like my last dog was a Mastiff. My name is Johnny Cash. He was a sweetheart of a dog, but he's different than Marshall and Marshalls a sweetheart of a dog. They're just they're all different man. But as long as you see the thing is that rescue dogs. I've had a couple of rescue dogs. They're just tricky one.
Of them was amazing and one of them killed my other dog. Are you shitting man? Aah, yeah. I had a female pit bull. That was like she was a prison dog. She was in they kept that was a nelly animal shelters a no-kill shelter. So they had her in here for a long time. Yeah. She was in there from a good portion of her life and she would fight other dogs over attention like any if anybody was patting the other dog she would come over and bite them like she wanted all the attention she thought you were stealing attention for yeah. Yeah. She was
rough. I know people like that, but I know
Yeah, it's true. Such a Comics.
Yeah, but in real life like with just people she was amazing. She was the best dog never you would think she had the best personality but if another dog came near she's just old prison dog. Yeah, they
prayed and they and this prison dog killed another doctor will not ready. There was also a rescue dog, but that's brutal. Yeah, I was
brutal. But so I've had rescued dogs that were great. And then I've had rescued dogs that were sketchy. But when you raise them from the time they were a puppy then you know, you get a chance to just right they know.
No, you're going to give them love right? This is you know, this is my homes. Everybody loves me. Give him good food you Pat. I'm you give him kisses you cuddle and snuggle with them and they know that to expect to you. So they grow up. They don't have all these weird anxieties like one of my rescue dog. She could not stop eating she would she would she was starving when I found her she had mange it was horrible all over her body and then she would Escape she would climb under my fence knock over the neighbors garbage cans eat all the garbage and come back in her belly was like blow.
I'm
like what the fuck have you eaten? She was eating garbage like who's taking the trash out? No, she always trash
was everywhere scattered all over the place. Then I had to figure it out. So then
we had a dig into the ground and like make sure that the fence went deeper into the garage. You
can go under how more yeah, she
would lie on her back in like I her sideways and she was like wiggling under the fence to get to the neighbors trash and then come back. It's like I don't even
know. Oh, wow.
Yes. I didn't even know she came back batter. That's hilarious.
My neighborhood explain. Hey, man, you're fucking dog is eating my trash. I was like really he goes. Yeah, it goes the girl dog. I go no way I could but she's always in he goes dude. She gets back in because she sneaks under your fence and comes back. Wow. That is so fucking hilarious that your
dog had you. Yeah. Oh she had me. Wow. She yeah
she but she would eat the cat food should try to eat my other dog's food. She she was just psychologically scarred. Yeah. Yeah. I got it. She was starving after she had all ribs and
Within like two months should a full coat of hair and she look great again. All her manger was gone had a give her this medicated shampoo that kills the main. Yeah. She was a great dog, but she had psychological problems because the food
yeah, I had a yeah this dog Chen's oh we call them tender The Prisoner Chen's oh the escapee crash dog yet but Enzo from Angola and we live next to a really I don't want to say who
cuz I don't want people to know where I live or where they live but a really famous athlete like a really famous athlete like talking about the world-famous and Chen's oh Diggs under the thing and goes to their house. No,
and I'm like this bullshit
comedian, right? I'm like this comedian that's like lucky to live next to this
world famous athlete. Okay, and they're never home of course because they have however
many houses they have so I
Of to every time
and this has been like about 15 times
Chen's oh goes under my my fence to get to this world famous athletes house. I got a hop the fucking game this fucking cr8 comedian happen again from this a list a list athlete. It's he probably has security cameras. Do you write about them bro? I'm like, there's no way I'm doing this sneakily, so, I guess I got to just be me.
Me and is a dog not a percent. So we with this trash dog. Just fucking hot and I'm right in the back and I'm
like, oh this is nice. This place is nice as fuck and I'm in the backyard grab a come here buddy, and he won't come to me. You know what I mean is like this place is much better over here. Oh my come on buddy. Come on, and and I'll run and finally he'll come to me and then I got to hop back
over with the fucking
and I just know that there's looking at the security camera in there. Like is that the guy from Whitney? Do you know the
name and I'm like people still know me from this mud.
Open
this fucking dog, man. So I've been here house world famous. Athlete. I'm sorry. Sorry,
but got a prison dog. Yeah Cool Hand Luke once her once escaped Glenn chenza that fucking that a dog can make your life awesome or they could be a giant pain in the I know
it's
grits. Let them Escape. Fuck them.
I got to that point. Yeah, and my girl was like we can't I'm like,
all right, I can because here's the thing. I have this thing
in my life where if something happens
Ins and it's really bad I go through it and then when it gets better if it happens again, it's much easier to go through it again, right? You understand. I feel like a lot of people are like that. So the first dog time the dog ran away, I was like broken is second to our time. I was like fuck the third time. I was
like, all right. This motherfucker wants to get out of here. Fuck them. He obviously wants to leave. Yeah and why I know where you live and your area is
coyotes. Yeah. I know. I know they hang out there
out there man your dog zigs when he should have zagged. I know there fuk do gonna get
Matched and I don't want to get on one of those spiky coyote vests. You know what I mean Bill don't worry and now knows no way coyotes grabbed by the face. I
know they're just eat them around the vest. All beer left is the fucking body the face. Yeah, they'll the guts.
Yeah. Oh the body, right? Cause yeah, dude. They're awful. I know
those fucking cunts. They're
awful. I see him. I drive by a slow down and I look at them and they just look back.
Yeah. Yeah, my oldest daughter lost a puppy to 1.
I was terrible there is tear their
terrible. How old was your daughter when that happened?
She was 22 23 23. That's just a little it's the it's just part of living in California. They're everywhere man. They're all in Burbank. Now. I was driving down all of and I saw three coyotes. I'm like in the day. Wow, and now because there's no one driving. Apparently they're ever. Yeah. They're all over the place. Now. I
saw dude. I was in Burbank 110.
It was probably one we were going to In and Out so it was about to close and it was like wow, you know, whatever one am whenever the clothes and I was 21 at the time. I was my buddy was driving. I was in the passenger seat and we were crossing the bridge.
To the downtown Burbank. I don't know if you've ever been there maybe you know, but like there's a bridge from like the valley to where you cross. It's very little but I was crossing this bridge and there was all of a sudden across the bridge a deer
runs across the bridge in front of the car gets scared of our car and jumps off the bridge. Yeah, it jumps off
the bridge. So I
thought there were three of us in the car. We all went like bitches. Yeah, like straight.
We all went
and he kept driving because he was shocked and I was
like hold on just you know stop and he just drove he kept driving and then and I and he was like did you see that? That was a fucking deer and I convinced myself. I was like
I think about this like every three months I was like that couldn't have happened. Right? Like first of all, I'd be written in downtown
Burbank and then just jumping to its
death and he's a little scared because the car and I was like,
maybe like her headlights hit it weird, and maybe it was like a
bag.
And my buddy
said bad, fuck you, dude. It was a deer and you know it and I try I was like trying to convince myself. That was
just a bag in the light because it was
dark but it was absolutely a fucking dear man. So it just jumped over the fence that happens all the time on Bridges, you know? No, I didn't know that. Yeah did deer jumped to their death all the time. So it's a common thing. Yeah, they jump to the death into the river. They jumped to their death and land on the highway. Yeah, they're not that bright. I mean Asher and they
Panic. Yeah, they tell this thing fucking
Panic. They see lights. They see headlines. They
That's why that's expression deer in headlights. Yeah, they don't know what the fuck to do. Look there. Look at these deer jumping off the Dell
fucked. Yeah, that's exactly what the yes. So it
wasn't gonna back this is
dead. It could have been a cult for deodorant for dear though. They're just like this is the day we do it
they can swim I've seen deer swim when Calvin and I went deer hunting we watch these deer swim away from that video
where he's talking about shitting his
pants.
Is the fight that you laughing it's an over-the-top you with Tears In Your Eyes Only on camo on trying to be quiet. That's like the perfect storm for shit that I think is funny. Well when count and I the first time we went we were in Montana for six days in camping and it was it was one long either gay or shit joke, of course, this is in Wisconsin.
This makes me
laugh. Yeah, that's my friend. Doug behind us Doug during shot.
Doug yeah
46 knife
Hi, this is six years ago.
crazy shit in his backyard
Please don't go in the backyard and she goes you can't tell me that I just here comes running out things. Just get away that get away.
Door I was in Washington DC in the ban on Wisconsin Avenue and I pulled my pants down. It's stuck just 100 miles an hour the other guy. That's Doug's
that couldn't have been if that was done on stage or any other situation would have been as fun.
Like that's so funny that you guys have to be
quiet. Yeah. Well, you get bored. I know yours.
We're standing in your lap on this field is its Loop because you're looping and
deer comes out and then Brian starts talking about shitting
himself. Fuck man. I love shit like that man. I love shit like that. If you I think if you like any age is funny the shitting shitting yourself funny. Yeah, except when you're really old then it's sad no.
Saying is if you're 80, and you heard that story you'd still laugh. Yes, not if it happened to you when you were 18, if you happening when you're eight minutes, especially if you're a
lady like humming 85 year old man, and I shit myself. Feel free to laugh. Sure.
That's okay. Yeah, we have your blood your permission. Yeah,
but old ladies. It's like,
um, the last time I've never I've only shit myself once and I was I think 11 lat. Yes, you're not taking enough chances.
I've almost shit myself and just made it so many times but the last time I almost shit myself and I had to pull over and was when I was going to meet mmm.
Yeah. Yeah. Imagine he came over his house smelling like shit, but no underwear on it take your underwear off and throw and then you have to figure out what to do so that you take your socks off hundred. You wipe yourself when I'm gone not wearing socks. Then why does it smell like ant and and
And so I was in this
the Sprinter van we were going, you know, I was on tour. So I had the Sprinter van we were going to
the how did that whole thing happens because you were make fun of them. Yeah, and so he thought it was
funny. Right? So I was at my old house. This was two years ago at this point and I was in the driveway. I don't remember what I was doing, but I was waiting for something and it had been right around the time where like Eminem's album came out or something. So he was on my mind and I was like I was thinking about him and then I was just
Like this is how he wraps and then I just started doing it to the radio. And then I was like, I was just funny I'm going to record it and then I recorded it one time and I was just like that's funny. I'll put it online and I put it online and it got you know traction for me. It was like it had a lot of hits for me on my Instagram and I was like cool great and then like a month later black Twitter took it and and just was like yo, this is this guy's
This Is How They didn't know nobody knew who I was with their like this is this guy says is how Eminem raps and then it got millions of things of hits on Twitter and then it got so big my buddies were like you think Eminem is probably seen it right and I was like it's
so big maybe it was one of his buddies must have seen it and showed
him and then like a week or two later my buddy text me one of the writers from that show I used to do on dateable and he was like bro Eminem and I was like what he was like you didn't see check Twitter and I checked and he was like
I thought this was me and I was like
what like that's like if you told the 20 year-old
Me That Eminem was going to and then he started being like I will bat Rap Battle Chris D'Elia one down if you saw that. Yeah, I didn't see that. Yeah, he was like, I'm going to wrap out of Chris D'Elia one day and I'm like am I in the
hip-hop game now?
And and and then
I don't know how much you know about this but then Logic the rapper hit me up. Oh, my manager called me and he was like Hey, so look, you know a logic is another man in my life. Every manager has that voice? I like so look Josh Lieberman, so I don't know if you know the Logic rapper and of course I do.
He was like, all right, so he's doing a song and Eminem and he they are rapping together and Eminem Eminem put you your impression of Eminem on the back of the song and and they're wondering if that's okay. And I was like, of course, that's okay and you're like, I'm a look into it and see I'm like no no
don't ask for any
money. Just let him have it. Are you kidding me that this is even happening? He's like, okay. I'm okay.
And so then
he comes back you like logical answer number nozzle.
Yeah, okay. So I'm talking a logic in logic psych. So I have a great idea for the video. I want you to play Eminem in this video. Have you seen this video?
No.
No, I wish we could play it on that. I know it's
yeah Google it if you're listening everyone Google it but we're what we're looking at it on the screen. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I could see it right but not play it. So this is so I'm playing Eminem in this video. I wrap his
part.
And now this is the crazy part. Okay. So like I'm talking to logic here.
And I play this like super fan of Eminem and he's like I have an idea.
I want we're doing a video and I'm like I'm way ahead of you go. This is where we're headed. And then I take off my wig and I've always been an M&M like Stan and this is
me doing you gotta watch this video.
So watch as soon as we're done here, so I'm doing this video as Eminem, right and we shoot this
and then at the end
you seen the video where I do the impression of M and N at the
end.
Delete, it doesn't play me. I played Leah, this is Eminem dressed as me.
That's Eminem doing me in my car in my driveway two years ago. That's ridiculous.
Oh, that's hilarious. But but so and and like to think of me
as a 20 year old like thinking like finding out who Eminem was and then in him becoming one of my favorite rappers, of course, and then it's just such a weird fucking thing. So that was mind-blowing and then on the way to meet him I shit my fucking I had to pull the spinner van over and he has no idea but dude, it was so funny. I was just one of those things where I was like, I think you know how you have your like.
I think I have to shit and the next thought is I gotta shit right now
right to know what I mean. Like there's no thinking
involved. It's a oh it turned into exactly right when so I say to the Sprinter the driver I say hey buddy, can you pull off the freeway? I got a in my head. I'm like I got time if there's a bathroom near right? So I'm like can you pull over and find the first place? I gotta go to the bathroom and he says, okay and then few seconds go by and I say
Hey, just so you know, like now, you know and at because I'm working on something here. I
got out
and he said sure enough that no problem. So he pulls off and and there are two ways he can go and one way he can go there is only a hospital. Okay, and the other way he can go is into town. So I'm like in my head. I'm like it sucks. But we got to go to the hospital. I gotta use the bathroom in the
Hospital I'm going to run into gonna think something's wrong. But I'm gonna be like, where's the bathroom? I got to go. This guy goes to the other way into town to find a gas station. So now I'm mad so I have to shit end on mad. So I said to the
guy hey man, um pull over and he
pulls over and I opened the thing in there were Kleenex or I grabbed them and I ran into someone's yard.
It was in the middle of nowhere dude. It was and we were go on our way to Detroit and ice and and I was in someone's
yard a rep. I found trees thank God pulled down my pants and it all came out
quick and and it was diarrhea or is it
shit? It was not it was not shit. It was not shit. It was just it came out. It was just like came out like a barking dog, and it was over it was over before it even started.
Started, you know and and I was and I felt so much better and then I used the kleenex and my openers in the in the in the thing filming me. I'm like bro, I swear to
God if that ends up on on Instagram. I will fucking you're done you're
done you're done you're done and not only that you're not meeting
Eminem. I'm screwed shit in someone's yard. You're not being a man. If you post that just in some random guys yard, and and so
So now I feel
great. I wipe with the kleenex and I just I'm I'm sorry I litter but I left the clinic. So what am I going to do? What are you gonna and it was a it was a lot and I was like and I and I left I got back in the thing. I was like that was amazing. I was like somebody's gonna think there was a fucking bobcat in their yard. Like I just and we went and we met Eminem and he had no idea. Maybe he'll know now sure. He's seen the show.
But yeah, I
shot myself on the way to fuck an M&M. So I don't really care about is shitting myself. You know what I mean? Because I got outside and did it. Yeah, it's a gray area. Yeah made it I made it.
Yeah, I've set myself many too many to count for sure. But how many of
those times were you on a substance?
No. No, it's not enough doesn't add to it. No, it's usually when I'm in the car and I try to fart and I just fill my path like know.
But the last times it's been a few years. I should I did have a disaster happen in the shower not too long ago better talk fast place to have it. I had to like shampoo. I had a well I diary it in the shower and then I have one them hand thing. So I hosed it all down and actually shampoo all over the floor and I don't watch the bubbles in there for some shitty
ass washing the floor of the
Joe Rogan just look
Yeah it fucking Elon Musk on this show and you're watching the floor of the fucking shower. That's
hilarious anytime shit myself. At least. It doesn't times lifetime solid time. I could I could like bet a solid amount of money have I shit my pants accidentally a dozen times? Yeah. Wow, I never shit my pants when I was a
kid. I did. Yeah, but yes, I did need to take my chance. I yeah,
I'm just clean bro. I just go before. Yeah things go bad. Sometimes
I know there was one.
One time where I was in New York and not I mean how much we can talk about shooting but I was in New York and I will felt good. I woke up. I was I was woke up early, you know because it was I was the plane ride and everything and was like, I'm gonna go fucking out in the city, you know, I took a walk and I find one of those cute those little kiosk place. That's all the food. I'm like, give me a fucking bagel with a bodega. Yeah. It's that would give me a give me a bagel with egg and cheese bold move. Is it a yeah, maybe from the bodega. So I so I
Start eating it and I'm walking and then I take a few steps further and I'm blocks away and I'm like, huh?
I gotta go about them. Oh good God go bathroom. Not a big deal and they took a few more steps and I'm like, oh, I gotta really go to the bathroom and then I'm like, okay, so do I go back or do I find it? This is New York City. I'm going to find a of course. I'll find a toilet but he's too early not many places were open and I'm like isn't this park in New York City the city never sleeps, but they're all sleeping. So I was like, I'm going to try and go head back. I'll find it on the way back and I'm walking back and there's no fucking note with know. What is she on the way back? So now I'm like I got to get back to my hotel. So I'm like I had them over as I
Do I slow walk and look for a toilet or do I just booked it and try to get back to the hotel. So I was like make-or-break time booked it so I'm running with this fucking Through The Bagel down, you know, and I'm running to the hotel and I get to the I was like and I got to the point where I got the elevator and was like if this elevator isn't here on this floor. I'm shitting in the elevator. So I hit the thing open. I'm like amazing amazing. Thank you Jesus, even though you know, I don't even really believe in it. Maybe I do maybe I don't but so I get to the fucking
In the in the elevator and I'm like, I got to start unbuttoning my pants right now because I don't have a second to spare. So I'm Bucking in my pants door opens. Nobody's there great. I'm running down the hall holding my pants and I opened the door to my hotel room and it was set up to where there's the open. There's the door then there's a little bit of space and then there's the bathroom and the toilet is here. So I had it in my head. I was like, okay. I'm just going to undo my pants and I'm going to swing around and sit on the toilet and and and
Don't have second. I don't have one
second to spare. So I'm like I got this I got the layout and I opened the thing the keys got to work works perfect. You know, sometimes you got to do it twice I get in I swing around and I'm taking my pants as like the Matrix I'm swinging
my pants my
my butt and my pasta and I can't help it and at the last second I just go she's and I spray the
wall. I just she's just spraying the wall on the way
to the toilet and I sit and I got and I'm like and I'm too happy.
I know I gotta clean the bathroom, but I'm too happy who has I you made it really made it probably made it. You know what I mean?
Yeah. Imagine if you did pray to God that the elevator was there and then like one day you like fall off a cliff with a broken leg and you're dying and you like please God save me in the comments, like don't you use that up? Remember the times that I have to
shit when your shit at the
got that elevator for you. Do you remember that? Yeah, that's it was the one you get you get one
I would still
Honestly be like thank you. I get it if I
could just fill my pants up fill my pants up take it like a man. Yeah, make it up to that. You know, that's the thing about that's
the thing about being part of the thing about being a comedian is like I started stand-up when I was 25 and after that just from like bombing and everything like I don't really get embarrassed. Do you feel the
same way and not the same way? Like if I shit my pants in public? Yeah, and everyone was like
You shit your pants. I'd be like
you've all fucking shit your pants assholes. You have a
bit now exactly a hundred percent. But at before I did stand-up probably whatever started. Oh, it's what you do when you bomb in front of 300 400 a thousand people. Yeah. There's nothing worse than that. I'd rather shit my
pants also, you know, I don't care about you. Don't take yourself too seriously
because you can't really I mean you're making fun of everything including your friends. Your friends are always making fun of you. Yeah. No one serious anyone no one's the
Cool guy. There's no cool. Yeah.
Yeah. Everyone's a loser. Yeah, you're a loser. I'm a loser.
We're losers when it's just this there's moments in life where you take the El I know and you just gotta
laugh. I know you guys don't know how to do that though John. Yeah young guy because they want to be want to be the cool guy. Yeah the cool guy. It's but comedians you have to that's the one thing there are comedians out there that don't have that which is odd and not funny, but they're I don't think they're funny. Yeah, but can't be fun, but you have to have humility.
Yes.
Like let me take it from you.
You're an alpha and light but you go on stage you make fun of
yourself. Well, I'm retarded. I'm up. This is a lot of stuff to make fun of you who everyone should make fun of themselves. It's like half the fun look any time. You can make fun of something as long as you're not like terribly hurting someone's feelings. Sure. You have an opportunity for Laughs. Yeah. Laughs are good. Laughs make you feel better
trying to make somebody
happy and it makes you feel happy like when my kids make fun of me all the time. Like I'm the butt of jokes.
Yeah, that's funny your dad. I'm
not just that like I'm dad's a dummy like it's always like but it's funny like when they when they make fun of me. I'm going hey, I'm your father. I write I'm like, oh my God, you're doomed you have my DNA ha ha. Oh man,
he gets like but I can think about
the relationship of you and Colin how like you will go on stage while he's on stage and just start shitting on. Yeah. He'll start shitting us the best but you love each other love it's like that doesn't exist in.
Most men yeah, yeah most men your age men are super sensitive about that kind of stuff. They don't want to ever lose face. They have to go into business meetings and fucking handle things like a like an executive.
I can't I can't I can't imagine that life for me. Yeah. It's not an honest life my upbringing though all we did my parents. All we did was make fun. All we did was make fun of each other like all we did was fucking bust on each other and we would
Laughs I mean we you know, whether it was my mom or my dad or my brother my uncle my we all make fun of each other and it was how we showed we love each other. That's
funny. I didn't have any of that. Really. Yeah. My house is humorless. Wow,
totally humorless. So how the fuck did you become a comedian? Like, what is it about that from
fighting? What do you mean because I was traveling from the time. I had a fucked up like adolescents and high school time. And from the time I was 15 till I was like 20
122 all I did was compete in martial arts tournaments. So we were always nervous. So where was traveling to these tournaments to fight it and I would be the guy that made fun of every cauchy. So I would like in a locker room and we're about to Spa I would do impressions of everybody having sex. I was the guy who would like I would do I would be the Icebreaker, you know, I'd break the tension. I would be the guy that made fun of everything. That was how I coped with the stress and then my friend Steve who I'm still very
Good friends with this day. My friend Steve Graham. He's like you should be a comedian. Like that's literally how I became a comedian died old. Were you like at the time? He told me that I think I was 19. Gotcha. I was 19 or 20 and I was like, come on man. Like I couldn't even go to clubs yet because you couldn't perform until you were 21. I thought turns out you could just couldn't drink it had to leave once while stage and leave. Yeah, but I didn't know that yet. So I waited till I was 21, but he was like because I would make them laugh, but I'm like, but you guys are a bunch of psychos.
Right. I'm an asshole. Right right. I'm like other people are not going to think what I think when I say is funny. Yeah, and he's like, I think you're really funny and I think you should be a comedian.
And so then you got on stage soon after when I was 21 right after my 21st
birthday. Yeah. Wow, and then I was like, okay, this is what I'm going to do now like right away. I knew it. I mean it wasn't like I was good or anything, but I was like, I think I can
do this. Well who's getting the beginning? No one? Yeah, if you know say you're good. You're let me let's clear this up. You're not good if you just started. Oh no.
I
thought I was I thought I was yes, and then I saw video
about few years after I
started and I
wasn't no you're just not able to be a good comedian.
But you know as a spark you people that have a spark is Alcoholics Anonymous people, you know, why because they go to those meetings fuck and sometimes they get yeah an act together. Yeah, they develop an act because their talent is crazy stories about shit they did when they were on drugs and drunk, right and sometimes they're really funny. You know, there was a guy named Dave Fitzgerald that got into stand up.
When I was like 21 when I met him and he had been doing it maybe a year or so and he was already like in his late 30s, but he was funny already and he was funny because he had been doing Alcoholics Anonymous for years. So and he had all fucked up. Yeah time with drugs and drinking so we had all these crazy stories of just cops and fucking fights and chaos and blacking out waking up shit in your pants and just Madness.
He and he had a great voice. It is fucking gravelly voice. So he would go on stage and tell these crazy stories and he so he started out like right away kind of funny, huh?
I just feel like because I stopped when I started stand-up I started it with a buddy of mine. Like he he would come with me and we would do open mics not on the stage together, but I would go up and then he would go up and he had never been on stage before and I you know that plays in shit when I was in high school, and I realized that
That you don't just it's not that you're learning how to be funny on stage. You also have to learn how to be on stage. You just a part of it which you don't I didn't realize that until I saw me and then I saw him because he would be doing shit like holding his ankle talking and I'm like he would come on stage and be like, hey, man, why are you holding your ankle you like? What and I was like, did you not know you were doing that? And you're like, oh, I don't know. No and I was like Jesus Christ has not been aware of what his
body standing on one leg. Yeah holding an angle. Yeah. I think you look like a fucking insecure bitch
your stock. Yes it work.
Stark stork, huh? But
or Pelican, what's the one that holds the leg
up all Flamingo
Flamingo? That's right stork is the
one that carries the baby yet? No, but he and then he stopped through months later. But but but yeah, I was like I realized I had a leg up on him because I had done like at least plays and been on stage. I knew where an audience was and
yeah, there's there's little things you could I was teaching so I was
teaching Todd are used to teaching large groups of people. So I was used to communicate. Yeah you
Can use that stuff that obviously helps and then
but yeah that helped it helped a little bit but not much. No not my house terrible. But but I knew that I could do it. I was like you did. Yeah. I was like, I'm I know I suck but I know this is a thing you can get better. So you
knew when you were starting that you were not good. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. No be that's one good thing about growing up doing martial arts. Yeah. Martial arts shows you where your
At with no questions because when you're sparring or something like that illusion if you get your ass kicked like I'm not good. So you think this you can you never get your ass kicked and go I'm fucking pretty awesome. That's a very good point. Yeah, you feel you losing a fight is very humiliating. It's very humiliating. So I knew like right away, I wasn't good. But I also was like, I see because luckily the night that I went up Jonathan cats, you know Jonathan cats from
Dr. Katz that double yeah, he was most of the open mic night. The first time I ever went up and then there was this guy Teddy Bergeron. He went on stage that night who is amazing and all these different guys that were like local Boston guys that went up that were professionals went up that night too. So I got to see open my curs and I got to see professionals and I was like, okay, this is something you can get good at like this is something that if you practice and you write and you just keep working at it and you keep performing like I kind of had a vague
Sense, even the first time that I did it like I could do this I could do this and then I did it a second time second time was better than the first time and I'm like, okay, so I'm a little more comfortable now, I did a little bit better and like there's something to this I can do this. I knew right away like within the first SEC first or second time that I did it that this was going to I was going to try to do that's
cool. That's fun. I start when I was 25 always always wanted to be a comedian always since I was I mean young my dad tells a story
Where when I was playing with my toys in front of the TV, my dad was watching a Jerry Lewis movie and Jerry Lewis is doing his fucking crazy. Jerry Lewis shit on TV and I spent my size my toys and I stopped and I started watching Jerry Lewis because we've been crazy on television and doing his funny stuff and I said some my dad and kind of noticed and registered that I was playing with my toys and stopped and now was arrested by this by this movie and Jerry Lewis and and he's and he's
You beat went by and then I said hey Dad, and he said yeah and I said this guy on TV what he's doing all that silly stuff. This is his job. And my dad said, yeah, and I said like he makes money doing this and my dad said, yeah, he my fucking makes a lot of money doing that and I said and then he my dad said I went like this huh, and he said that that was the moment that he kind of like likes to romanticize about how I thought I wanted to be a comedian, but I
I wanted to be a comedian my whole life man, and I was scared to do it until I was 25 because I was like, I'm at a loss here. What am I doing? I was trying to write I was trying to you know, get scripts turned into movies and I was trying to work on, you know be an actor but it was like you can't do that without other people. Yeah. So as a comedian I was like, all right. Fuck I always wanted to stand up. This is the time. I'm 25. I turned it was like 2005 or 2006 2 and 6 News.
January 2nd, I got onstage a force myself to do it and then I got on stage just every day ever since you know what I mean? Wow, you
know you owe you are on stage basically every night. I just knew
that you know, there's that whole 10,000 hours later. If you're and dude, I would go to The Comedy Store in the at 9:00 and I wasn't at I wasn't Pastor anything. I remember I met Max amini, you know him no, no. Okay, so he he would run the belly room show.
And I met him somehow and we got a lot to learn we like we started we took a liking to each other and I said I said look, I'm going to come by and hang out with you. I'm not asking to go up dude. I just want to come and hang and like soak it in or whatever and I would go at 9:00 and I would leave at 2:00 a.m. Every single fucking the house every single night and more often than not he would throw me up. And you know, I would I would I would never push it. I hate that shit. I don't want to be like, hey, man, you got a spot. Like I just if you want me to be on the show then I want to be on the show if you don't want me around so I don't wanna be on the show.
And I would just get good in the belly room and and by the you know, 26:27 I would do it for years and then
you did the hard to write I started at
the hahaha' are bad. I do the ha has a great spot man. It's it's it I the comments or came after the haha, but the haha was where I got my first like start because nobody would go there and I would go and they were real people in the audience. Yeah, and you could get on stage in real shows as a young, you know, I had no business being on a real show, but I would go and I would do my shit and pay $5 for the open.
In the beginning. Yeah, and then finally make you pay to go on stage. I know and people would be like high-paying fuck that. I'm like, look, I'm just gonna get
onstage up. So if you've done all these years of every night basically doing stand-up, what is this month been like for you this month this quarantine month? Is it been weird? This is
the longest I've ever been in a string of being not on stage. I want to
be there the first night everybody to back. I see you
too, dude. I thought about this the other day. I'm like I had let you know my special comes out today. So it's you know, you can watch it on fucking know.
Well, what's it called? Chris no
pain. It's on right now. It's got no pain and you know see it right now. Yeah. Yeah, you can see it right now. It's streaming
absolutely on Netflix. So now so but I'm my point of Bring It Up not to plug it, but I'm so happy it came out now because I don't have material that I've been you know, like I know like Ali Wong had to reschedule her fucking
taping. Oh, no, she was ready to go. Well Louis was supposed to film he was supposed.
A film his shit was like April 12 and I wasn't going to be able to make it. I wanted to see his taping. Oh, really? Yeah, and I was going to try to make basically you're saying he was gonna do it in Boston who's gonna do when he's scared. I think it was April 12th, you scheduled in Boston. It was like the same weekend what might be like this
weekend, but it came out but yeah, but he didn't he
schedules early. Oh God because okay. That's what it was It was supposed to be a couple days ago. So
Today's Tuesday. He was supposed to be like Saturday this pass out and they had to do he scrambled last minute and filmed it in Washington DC and they just put it out is like fuck it. I'm just going to put it out of my website, but he was supposed to be filming like a couple of weeks later like now and when everything started closing Endeavor to realize like whoa, this shit's getting weird.
It's just getting really weird. He bumped it
up. Yeah quite a few people of
Filming's Schultz
Andrew show he did to yeah, he
was supposed to be I think he was supposed to be this week around now. Yeah, I think he was supposed to be an Ela. Yeah Saturday as well. I think it's the same thing. Yeah
texting with him. He's like, I think I got to reschedule. Yeah, I think I was texting with them. Yeah, I think that uh, Louis was the
week before whatever it's all
rally. I know Ali reschedule her was she supposed to film I think DC I think and then she was going to and then she was talking to me. She was like, I'm gonna I might I might she's like I rescheduled it for
Either June or July. She's like I'm gonna have to reschedule it again. Yeah, she's gonna yes. So because the other thing is to once they lift the ban of going out you
think everyone's going to run to a 2000 Cedar fucking real dummies. Yeah exact solid. Dummies are going to be out there coughing each other's mouths. Those are my fans.
Come on out
dummies. Yeah. Watch a bugchasers. Yeah,
just think there's gonna be a lot of people to go out. I think there will be the dummies that are like fuck and finally
what's going to be people that are
First of all delusional second of all relatively healthy and not concerned don't take a lot of vitamin C right do the right thing sleep sleep. Well, I've been really good with like all my stuff. Like I've been in the sauna every night for 25 minutes. I take several thousand milligrams of Vitamin C every day vitamin D taking all my vitamins. I do a vitamin drip with NAD once a week that we talked about with
Whitney on the text. Yeah, NAD
drips. Yeah. That's the same.
Sure, that protect you from his company does that they do the the vitamin D drips cool the vitamin drips rather not vitamin D blood like glutathione. It's got to sink all kinds of shit. They put they put a bunch of shit in the why should I
why are you here? I saw you on the talking to her on the texture and you were saying that you need to you're trying to shorten the amount of time it doing it, but you can't because it's overwhelming or
something. Well NAD, is this stuff? What is it? What is the name of it? See pull the name of this NAD shit
like you can do it standing up for
something. She does it standing up. I don't understand.
But what you're doing here goes nicotinamide adenine dinucleotide Nick nucleotides croquet. It's a cofactor that is Central to metabolism found in all living cells. NAD is called die nucleotide because it consists of two nucleotides joined through their phosphate groups, you know about all this one nucleotide contains the adenine nucleotide a little anyway really good for you.
Great for the therapy says vitals functions like repairing DNA maintaining cell health and boosting our immune system. So it gives you energy increases energy and gives your metabolism a boot. So I do that once a week now and it's supposed to take two hours the first time I did it. I got it under an hour and then I've been doing it in 24 minutes the
last couple once so it's yeah, so you build up like a tolerance to it or I mean just doing
it I don't
Know if you build a tolerance you just get a custom today. It's very uncomfortable.
We're like your got
its we really it's real weird. And where do they stay shoot you
in? Yeah, it's an IV.
So you're sitting there and so I just just try to see how much I can tolerate my goal is to get it down to 10 minutes, which I think is totally doable. Yeah to do it in 10 matches open it up and just just sit there and meditate and take
it and then so at the end it the the uncomfortableness is completely over gone. Okay, so it's just during wallet out.
It's while it's happening. So for
24 minutes, I'm just sitting there like but what we do is Jamie and I've been doing it. We just watch Black Mirror. Yeah, I haven't seen that yet. I haven't seen all of them. I've seen like seven or eight of them. But God damn that one we watch last week black Museum. This was fuck. That's good. Dude. Some of them are that show is
like I think for that show to be good. It has to be hit or miss because they have to take chances. Yes. Some of them are so fucking good that I that show is just amazing. Some of them are spooky. Yeah.
This Black Mirror black Museum episode was fucking incredible. I remember everyone that one Mass my head. Like I was sitting there at night just going Cheese's the yeah, the one I don't want to say. Yeah, I don't want to ruin it for everybody. But it's great. It's great. The other one. I love is the one where the guy is in Star Trek. Yeah. He has like a virtual Star Trek where he is the king of the world and he has all
these people remember that one. Yeah. The best ones are the first ones though. You saw them went back and watch the first ones I've seen.
Seen some of
the first one those a lot. The first
season is I remember you posting about the new season when you were talking about, you know, I think it would be the first time you really watch the show, but I saw it when I didn't know what it was and I was and it like blew my fucking mind like nobody had talked about it and I was like and I saw I was like, oh my God, I don't even was it on Netflix in the beginning or not. I don't think it was whatever but wasn't I don't know first. I don't know maybe oh, that's right. Yes. Yes. Yes. No the first
The first episode I don't know if it's cause I didn't know what it was but those blew my fucking mind man. It's the one with the new College the
robots chasing lady the little little drone robots a little that's rookie. Yeah. What is that called
heavy metals in black and white or no? Did I imagine that it is? Okay. Yeah, is
it? Yeah, black and white
and I made a creepy yet. Why is black and white creepier? I don't know it is though ryley as yeah. Hmm practice old shit is creepy and that's where I used to be like old
shits like got an end.
An added layer of depression because everybody in it's dead. Yeah, if you watch like the old Frankenstein movie those people are dead and now you'll get it dead people. No, that's not what's it. What's also everything sucked back then? So even being alive socks all bad.
So bad, I guess even the show you're watching
sucked that shows are terrible fun because they're old. This is like it's pretty much a time
capsule. Right? My dad would watch fucking like old black and white like combat that show would like we're like they everybody was talking like this. Come on like hey, it's like dude who talk like that
Dragnet.
Yeah you ever see that show. Yeah. So Friday. Yeah. We got you. We got you red-handed. I want to do a show where I do that voice.
And it's a fucking drama and it comes out now
but there's certain things you used to be able to do that. You should have never been able to do that. You can't do anymore. That's one. You can't be like you can't have a stage voice anymore. No, you can't be corny like that anymore. No, but you can still do that. If you are on the
radio. Yeah, like talking about you to talk about this. Yeah. Yeah, we're doing
it's so weird. It's weird. You know, what's weird when I used to radio you would go to and you talked to a guy.
Guy and they would be normal like hey man, where you from where you go, I'll Boston. Oh cool cool. Cool. Alright, so I'm just gonna do weather and traffic and then I'll bring it right like, okay cool. He's like, oh come on over three hours. All right, dude. That's actually so fucking stupid. It's weird. It's those guys are all and those guys are always like,
you know, when you would come up doing the clubs and shit and like you would go on the road and then like you would do like the six o'clock morning news. Yeah.
And those guys would I always describe those guys as like you can hear their face like,
you know what I mean? Like they'll be like so hey we're talking about so, you know, you thought you go to Atlanta, you know, you do the that a problem. So what's that like for
you and then they lean in and you're like this guy's face fucking makes noise.
It's the weirdest thing and you don't know unless you've been there but dude
their faces are loud and shit like that. You
can see the cracks behind their face of their real who they really are when your clothes you can't see on TV. You
just take newscaster for granted
one.
And who was the first guy that had the radio voice and then all the other people just started copying them. Like, how did it become that voice? I'm at first top of the hour here on 106.5
and they do they do that. It's not W. It's www you fucking and then the punk who got my eye on
is another version of that strip club DJ.
So it almost the same guy also said yeah,
it's close
variation to the stage. We got champagne come to the stage. It's like a liger. It's like a cross between tiger and a lion.
Strip club DJ weatherman it's going to be raining in here comes fucking candy Here Comes Lexus to the main stage. That's a weird
Cinderella.
Just why? Yeah, why can't it just be like, I'm here comes a fucking next dancer scheduling
sadaqah, please. Welcome Exotica,
please welcome Pluto or my Pluto is the fat one
now. It's the planet. I know.
Had toid the planet as a stripper. I don't throw it out there Here Comes Here Comes Frankenstein
stripper like this.
Yeah, maybe a stripper that's like really into monster
movies. Yeah. She gets all made up made up. Yeah. Oh that exists blood around the wrist stitches. Yeah. Don't don't dump it exists. You think you should think of a new thing. There's too many people out there and it's too late in the game. Yeah. You can't like you can't I posted on Instagram yesterday this
gate Winx for
Trump.
Oh that they had a
party where they were trying to catch the covid. They had a covid cat and I said, you know any time here. This is what I wrote. I wrote If you think you've seen it all yeah every day the internet will prove you're incorrect right first post Tony pictures of I had a blast chiller all caps, but what's crazy is the comments where people were angry at me like for what really really really dumb Trump supporters, right? There is a
Drum of trump supporters to show some Trump supporters are very intelligent people that just like his economic policies and some people like Trump small board. That's my man. Right? You don't tell you nothing bad about Trump and those people are gone. I can't believe you sold out. So what fake news like they were angry at
me and what was their gripe that you
yeah, one of the rare times when I'd Venture into the comments see what the fuck is going on man, usually a disaster and I never do it. But this is the problem with being home all the time.
I'm I know all this extra time I find myself eating pasta yum. I'm doing a lot of things I shouldn't do whatever I read the comments on that one.
You gotta eat fucking pasta and read but
it confirmed to me that I shouldn't read comments.
I know I really shouldn't I'm definitely better at that than I was I used to I used to I used to have fun like talking shit to people and I used to do it all the time and and and and then I was like,
My girl was like what are you doing? You're going to be fucking like 40 and like
what is your kid you kids going to see the shit and I'm like, yeah, right.
I should stop doing that and she's like by the way, do you want to be fucking really famous or what? I was like, I don't know what I didn't really think about it. She's like fucking you Captain America doesn't do this shit. That's kind of
right Captain America doesn't do shit Captain America's to go back and forth with people on Twitter
Chris Evans, right? I was just like yeah Twitter's
hot right now. There's so many people. I mean hot in a bad way. There's so many people angry because everyone's locked inside like Twitter is the place where you get the most
It's
the yeah, I don't by the way or even go on Facebook so know that seems like a fucking Cesspool that does but just you have too much
freedom to write long things on Facebook. Good point. People are just too verbose. They just is too much nonsense. Yeah, like I'm not reading your novel.
Yeah. I'm not either man. Even how about this? I'm not even going to read your novel. Even if it's about me. No, I it's just but yeah tweets and shit people are at least it's concise, but people
I don't never know when things something's going to be offensive or
not. I was reading Marin's Twitter as Marin said it's okay to go for a drive, right? Yeah, and some lady attack tactics. Like I wouldn't even tell you him. And then she wrote a like all all like 20 different hashtags, hashtag covid-19, hashtag quarantine like trying to get so much attention. Yeah her tweet that she's tweeting at Mark and so Mark went back.
With her and then she went back with Mark my get out. Yeah, Mark you need
friends. Yeah. Yeah, they're gonna call that drive go for that book and drive. Don't be arguing with this
lady. I know first of all, you probably shouldn't go for a drive just to go for a drive. But if if most people aren't doing it and the roads are dead. It's I don't think it's that big a deal realistically now if you say that the problem is that a lot of people going to go. Oh right, of course code for a drive, right? So you can't really say that so you shouldn't say
I'm just going to go for a drive just go for a fucking drive right and if you get pulled over by the fucking gestapo, yep, you say I was headed out for toilet paper.
Yes.
It's not that bad. That's the move guys just say I was headed out for toilet paper. Everybody just goes up guy or
bullets. Did you see that? I ran out of bullets
by needed bullets and toilet paper. Did you see the guy who I put on my Instagram, but I went to went to Walgreens and I had gotten some stuff, you know have a mask on and shit and and they ended and there was this lady that was checking out in front of me and behind the counter. I say to the guys.
Hey, you know over the lady I was like, hey, I wasn't interrupting beside you guys have toilet paper you guys all out because everywhere is all out, you know, and he was like he saw me and he goes like this. Oh, um, hold on a second. I was like, okay, you got the Hook-Up. So what it was like, hold on here. That's it.
Don't ya so so so he so he was like I was
like, okay and she finished reading her up and he goes like this a come here.
I swear to God
so I follow this guy to the back of Walgreens and he goes like this way right here.
Like okay, he walks through those fucking metal doors in the back that are yes large. Oh, yeah. Well exactly and comes back with 24 rolls and it goes like this. I'm not supposed to do this, but you go man. I'm a big fan and I was like, oh really then he was like, yeah, man, and he was ringing me up and he was like makes my day that you came in here man is the least I could do is hilarious. I was like done at least my comedy culminated in I get to fucking shit for a few
weeks. What? Why was he hiding them? What was that? That's what I don't.
Yet I don't
understand when the someone cool come down. I think I
think in my head. I for some reason I feel like he just didn't put it out yet, or he was hoarding it forms. It was his personal thing and we had like but he was then he was the nicest guy and then I and then I put that story on my Instagram and then he hit me up and he was like, hey man, this is so great. You put it on your thing. I can't believe in is he was just really sweet man. It's just well, that's nice. Yeah, you know it has happy. And do you have
a those bday toilets in your house that shoot water?
Your ass I got sent
one. They're so good. Are they there's something
right here. You want to go take a shit good. All right, you have
to I did drink some coffee. Do you think you got one Bruin do with how long this podcast goes? Keep going to y'all shit? I shit my pants 40 minutes ago.
I did the best dude it cleans you up does it? Oh, yeah because I always feel like okay, there's still shitting their little wipe out that you look at that top area is clean and clean just wet.
I got something for you though. Do you take Metamucil with the no. Okay. I don't mean to
No problem. Shooting. Okay. Well, what do you mean like, I mean, I don't really have a problem shitty, but I'm
cyber thing. Right? Well, my point is eat vegetables bro. I eat a lot of vegetables. Okay, I believe you. Yeah very I don't know what they attitude about how I think my
fucking vegetables. Okay,
when I was eating the cardboard diet, I had no problem shooting either. Well, maybe you
just have a good fucking system and I think so. So I like how he's constipated sometimes no. No, I don't it's not that okay. The thing is
I don't know Madam isn't a little defensive. No, it's not that woman a thing where if you say I'm well, how am I gonna defend it? So I so I I
sometimes have to wipe a bunch splatter now when I became an artist. No, it's
just not congeal cream cheese style knock. Let's put this over here is
least gross as possible since we buy the we've talked a lot about shitting on this episode. So I take it. I take two scoops of that.
A that shit comes out whoop. That's it. I don't even have to wipe I do but aren't I wouldn't need a bidet or anything. Hmm. Okay, it congeals good man.
It's nice to know that it's all polished up to wash down
sure. It's shitting. It's good to know. It's the and also it's
warm like the one we have it's nice eat is warm and then the warm water sprays on your asshole and you can enjoy it. Enjoy it sometimes with talking to people on the phone. They like you peeing. Oh, no hot water shoot.
In all over my asshole you clean it off. Are you jerking off not being kind of disgusting piece of shit. I'm cleaning my butthole bro. Yeah, it's nice. It feels good. I think
I've done it once or twice it like some hotel or something. It's a must it's almost all in all I have my I have when they sent it. I think I sponsor for my podcast scented or
so. Ah, there you go. You must have it. It must be done to she or some. Yeah. Okay, that's one of the ones that installs in a regulatory issue
an excellent choice shoutout to Toshi for
yeah, and now
That expensive either it's a good
economical. I'll tell you what, it's hard enough to get fucking toilet paper. Now you might as well get some
Toshi. All you need is like a little tiny little you know, toilet paper comes in like little one piece.
Yeah, we never
do no. No, but you could get away with two two pieces with this really bad day. I just stopped at wow. Just give it a little dab. Nice drop it in the bowl and who all gone that's nice. It's wonderful. It's warm water to just hook it up. Just who's hoses.
Is it down
nice? It's a car wash for you. But there you go. See I wasn't thinking about this, right?
Yeah. Now it's also deep. I don't want to get personal but you have a lot of asshole hair.
I'm a hairy guy. Yeah, me too. Yeah,
but I've been using one that manscape thing. Oh, those are great Sky do the balls. Yeah. Go down the hills. Yeah. Oh you go in there this whole area. How do you know you're getting it? I don't take chances. I'm a guy.
Guys, this is the but is the doctor that fucking pricks me and then have an assistant. I know that's crazy
to me. I don't want one.
I think once you have an assistant, you probably have made a mistake like your you've you're doing too many things. Huh do less things.
Yeah this week some weird person who goes and does everything for I guess I mean, yeah, I guess I guess
I understand that isn't for and then here here's your hotel reservation and murmur and I've walked your dog and I did that for my mama. I just want to be as normal
as I
In be interesting. Yeah, I don't know how I feel about that. You have an assistant. I don't
good. Yeah, I don't same boat you thinking about getting one huh? Well, I've always liked I should I get one. I'm putting pressure on you. Some people do first one when you have an assistant Al Madrigal has an assistant that told Al Madrigal I could do less shit. He was yeah I go. Yeah do less she'll just do that shit. You don't have to you you decide what you need to do. Right? If you're doing so much that you need an assistant. Now you got to deal with this person. What did that person as a
Like a kidney stone or they fucking lose their car. It's funny. Yeah, some new person. You have to deal with their
problems at a real Hollywood moment. Once where we were like The Upfront for Whitney the show that I did like fucking nine years ago and I found myself. He's fucking weird Hollywood moments, but I found myself at dinner sitting next to Vince Vaughn and he was like, sorry on the show with me now. So this is great and I was like,
yeah,
he was like you made it. This is awesome. I mean, I know you're a comedian but I have a show and I was like, oh great and he was like, we did it have an assistant and I was
Like no, he's like you gotta get an assistant buddy you made it and I always think when getting into says I think I always think back to Vince Vaughn's telling me I needed to get it insistent and I was like, maybe I should get an assistant. Who's Vince. Vaughn said it
me and Vince Vaughn had a conversation once about business managers. I pay all my own bills. I don't want to I used to have these said Mr. Yeah, and I was like, he was like take 5% and I was like did I give him five percents? I'll have to think of yeah, I don't want to think
about having a everything have a big your parking ticket. He was he's paying all of his own bill. That's
Vince Vaughn. Yeah. Well,
maybe she's right maybe he
He was several years ago.
This was more than a decade ago. But I remember having this conversation with them like
yeah, but didn't
I hate life that seems like if you had to look how much would you get paid an hour to do
somebody else's taxes and someone
else's bills and someone else's all
worth it. Especially he's making he's making shitloads. Yes. Yeah movie star. Yeah. Yeah.
I just watched him the other night and something
I love it's Vaughn. Oh,
Dodgeball I watched made have you seen that movie made know that it's like swingers and then they wanted to get the guys back together again. And again as Jon Favreau directed it and it's Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughn how many years later was everybody fat? No, not yet.
Road are fucking dumb movies hilarious P Puff Daddy's in it. Really? Yeah, it's
great news Puff Daddy. Yeah. Are you allowed to call him by his dad named? I don't know you continue to write exam because you know, you can't do that with transgender people you get kicked off Twitter for life. I know call Caitlyn Jenner Bruce, you'll get kicked off Twitter for life.
I saw that I think I saw a clip on your shown as
fucked Marc Maron if you want to go for a drive
though. I don't cares. We are
not a get to the end of time but 20 hashtags up.
One
cares put it, you know keep tweeting keep hashtag Healthcare hashtag
Obama's tag first responder. Hashtag
Obama. Yeah
Obama endorsed Biden. I'm sold. All right. No. Yeah, he's fine. Now, what's of Amador system? No, you can't remember anything. Do you see what Donald Trump jr. Tweeted that all right put it on Instagram that Biden is like a web browser.
Apparently. It's now.
It's a hilarious mean the memes.
Just begun and here we are. It's April. But by the time November roles wrong, I don't the the this debate. What is his mind is like a web browser 19 tabs roof and 17 or Frozen is no idea where the music is coming from that he's posting this in this world is just insane world. So straight you
die. I tweeted something I was I was like, I don't know people can get pissed off at this or what but
I tweeted. Oh great Bernie dropped out. Now. The only thing that has happened is Trump and by to need to drop out and I was like, I'm like a fucking shit for this but I didn't like it but I think it's a hit everybody, you know, but like do it it was just like the fact that we have these options are just I don't know. I'm a fucking idiot. I'm not good politically. But yeah, I'm neither.
I'm not good politically either but it's just
when you see I just the debate Trump versus Biden. It's going to be a mess.
We're just gonna be the what are they talking?
about what you see Trump Trump's press conference
yesterday I tried I watched a bunch of them and I'm like what am I doing like it's just
he seems like the negative attention it just finally getting to
him oh yeah you know I saw the clip where he was like your nasty or whatever he was saying you're a disgrace to the to the reporter
yeah he was saying you're fake you're yeah Joey says the ratings are
down I know things are down
you have no credibility yeah that's his his thing is always go after their ratings which is
kind of funny
he's funny too because he was tweeting about he was like I'm number one on Facebook people tell me that on the phone yeah people reading that on their phone as are dying from Corona
number one of face I'm number one on Facebook what is the way what even is that what does that mean if you know for how long a minute who's I know I know I know exactly what silly James number one on Facebook is like I have the coldest part of the ocean like what yes who is so big at all that's the analogy how are you measuring that
Said that his covid-19 whose coronavirus reports had higher ratings the season finale of The Bachelor.
It's so surreal. It's like this can't be real
life. It's so silly. It
can't be real life. The
one thing about Trump is whether you like him or not. He is funny. Oh,
he's a lair. He is funny. He's hilarious. He's a funny guy. He might not be fit to be president. You might be one of those, you know, but who is among you but forget it whether you think he's fit to be president not fit to be president. If you deny the fact these funny we have a
problem. Yeah, that's that's that's that's that's where I'm
at we can argue.
You will not he's doing a good job economically or bad job
socially here, but guess what? Yeah, he's full of
laughs that fucking time that he was talking about buying Greenland. He goes, I promise not to do this. You need a photo of a huge Trump Tower in the middle of green light and see that it's hilariously that's funny. It's laughed it out
dude out I was dying when he was like what he did. You see the press conference where he's doing. It was like, yeah, they said I didn't do a good job, but I did a good job on it. This is the proof and he shows us a little piece of paper and it goes like this.
So, you know that they were lying and he flicks the
paper. So that fucking lunatic lunatic is not what you would expect right know you expect a person to be like Obama or like Clinton or whoever to be presidential like Bush you don't ask back that what I thought but that's what I
thought Bush was. I thought Bush was the guy that everyone was like finally a regular guy like me.
Regular guy and I was like, okay, it'll be a while till that
happens again. Yeah, and it came back. I mean Trump's like he's like the guy in your family were
like, oh he's coming to Thanksgiving like this motherfuckers gonna be talking the whole time.
And then you find out he's president is Greenland. I promise not to do this to greal it.
Just one take it to Trump Tower. This is Trump in the middle of Greenland
with the explanation. Excellent exclamation point yes,
come on. That's fucking funny. That's funny. He like retweets memes and shit weird, but it's like that thing. Look at the doctor behind him with a shot with the shawl.
Just wait. Does it really taste like what is happening? Look at look at her. Why am I? Okay
so funny. She's at the
Look like as if someone farted and she's not going to say anything, but she smells it and look for home God
she does and she's always wearing that those capes and she
does wear a lot of capes. Yeah, and what is that about being older? That's a great
idea New York City to respect me. I
was Callen. All right is it should be on his way as he's yeah, he's on its way. Amazing get
here this fucking guy
now. I know when he said like we set it up for him to get tested too when he said yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, I think I could be there. What does that mean? Are you coming or not? I think so like the things though like you catch it to do by the way
nobody has shit to do right now. You ain't got shit to
do he was driving to know where the fuck was he driving. Where is he driving? If he's not doing a podcast today? He doesn't have shit to do and I don't think he's doing a
podcast today. He's got that they have any pockets is you have not one to yeah 80 podcast here. There was a time we had a lot. Yeah, we had we had like a lot and like the one of them was like the intellectual one and
Like amen, that was a major drop that
one. Yeah with they call it mixed mental or that's it the name dude,
but mixed
mental Arts. Well,
how many episodes however many episodes or were they were that was that many to that too many that many too many conversations weren't bad. But the title had to go I don't know. I never I never listen possible. Yeah impossible. You can't do mixed
mental Arts. Yeah, something like that. It might.
I've been worse than that. I might be blacking
out. I think it was that.
That's over.
He's the only guy I know the TV show that's hoping it gets cancelled. So funny. He's like I can't do this. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm like I told you he
sent me a video of a few weeks ago and he was like work my whole life as an actor. He had on like a fucking Iron Man thing and had like a thing that was blinking and because he was dressed for the scene and he was like, this is my life man. And it was a rotten. Let's see if I can fucking fine. He was like,
he hates it like it's so bad.
Roaring. He was the people are great. I love working with these people thing is so boring and it takes so much time. I'd rather just do stand-up but the thing is is just here
it is.
Give it your airdrop on I can send it to you so you can play it who knows what he says if it's okay, I can cut it out if it's bad
blood you saying something bad and I don't think he gets in trouble for I don't think
so airdrop young Jamie's. Here we go.
Absent that the both of them there we go yet but he is a fucking he's hysterical man. I don't know anyone like
him dude. He is the only got one time
this is this is how he is just so you know, everybody who's listening one of our best friends. Yeah, right sure. We talk a lot of shit because it's fun, but he said he'd be there in 20 minutes late. We were at dinner with the friends that it was a so, is there other guys that we knew for a while and and a few of them at never see me do stand-up
Up, and we're at dinner and I was like, I got to leave guys. I got a I got a set at the comet at the comedy store and they were like, oh you do. Well when you go on and I was like I gotta get there early because you know, I don't be late for the spot. But as long as you get there by whatever 9:30 come on by and you're like, oh cool will all come. So I go I go I tell the door guys are my buddies are coming sasabe the you know who he is let him in with the crew and Cat. Okay also accounts, maybe they're so so so I get on just like oh, yeah I said they may come when I'm going outside, whatever Letterman so I get on stage do my set and like at school my friends.
Here, you know know get off stage and I say hey, where'd you see my friends? And they said they never came and I said what so I called Will Sasso and I was like, hey Will did you guys come and he was like Brian said you were going to The Improv instead and I said what and I called his he's at the Improv. So, you know Brian so that's how I know. You're good friends of the Prime.
So I called Brian and I'm pissed I'm like these motherfuckers wanted to why would you do this? They wanted to see me they never see me do stand-up like it's fun for me like it's fun for me to do it for them. It's fun for them to see
And I call Bright. I'm ready to get
heated at him just be like what the fuck is this motherfucker had a set at The
Improv and even fucking men she probably
forgot and they were like, where are you? He's like come
on to the Improv, right? So he stole the time from me right? So I call and I'm here I'm gonna yell
at him. Right and he
picks up the phone. And before I can even talk. He says
you ruined the night.
I said what neighbors said we're at the
fucking improv dude, come on
over and I was like you motherfucker and he was like nah, they don't want
To
watch you two gonna watch me
and I had to respect it. Did I mean well, that's a good approach if you're going to do something like that. Just go on the offensive right away. It's a great. Yeah. You don't want to be. Oh, do you know what? Yeah. Yeah.
Whoops. You got to love a man. Yeah, you got to love them. That guy is just a mile a minute and he is insane.
He's he's way more calm now than when he was younger when he was like 30 years old.
And imagine he
would he always had these girls that were useless they were they were like runaways and there were stealing from him. They were they would stay in his house. It was like some new girls tennis House of Mike. What are you doing? What are you doing? I was always a mess. So one time I remember he came over my house and we're going to have dinner and we're going to watch something like a fight or something. He came by my house. He was over my house for 10 minutes.
And he goes I kind of party you have to go to but I'll be back a little later. I'm like what I'm like, what are you doing? You came over for 10 minutes is juice tell two different people that you're going over how your course he did. I might have I go we'll just tell them to go fuck off. Yeah, but it was like, I think it was like something where it was like some producer guy who is hoping was going to like put him in something and like sure he was literally over my house for 10 minutes unbelievable. This fucking guy pray this place. Look at that.
Didn't I stay on set for 12 hours, but it's worth it. It's worth because I get to wear a helmet shoot. The only looks like pause this, you know, he looks like who's that old Ian McClellan from the X-Men we played Magneto. Yeah, you fucker get get a photo of Ian McClellan as Magneto. That's how all the way
how does he look gay or than Ian McKellen in the fucking thing? It does look are he
XML is gay. Isn't
he? He's real good and he's real old and Brian looks older and are feels okay Magneto. Give me an it. I want I need an image quickly.
Oh, wow, right there right there right there. That's it.
That's it. That's it. That's Kalin. That's younger straighter Kalin. Yeah, it's younger and less
gay. Look at that. Go back to Callen. Thank you nailed it that Lee and miquelon. Look at the hold looking at each other for what he comes in here in 10 minutes when he gets here. What if
that's the look of eating because again, like, how are you
You guy in the
me, please. Please. Don't lose this. I want to be able to pull it up immediately and just say count. Guess what we were talking
about. I love fucking making fun of friends. Now
looks older than that guy. How's he looking the lighter or some
shit the lighting? It's working on the set make some old God
is he hates doing think about like like I you know, I've gotten to do
some cool shit. Like, you know, I was on that show you that I really like and like, you know, I was on three episodes of
that was that you know the show, you
know, what is
It was like it's like the stalker Show on Netflix were like the guy stalks the girl and you're rooting for him somehow and you're like, yeah, it's really interesting the way they do it. It's very hard. It's really fucking bin jabal. Like it's like one of those are the next episode and I had watched the first season and it was a huge hit on Netflix was on the Lifetime network. It wasn't a hit Netflix bought it and then it just blew up. I watched the first season and I liked it and then this part came up for me to do in the second season and I was like, oh, yeah, I want to do it because I like
like the show and it's drama, you know, I'm not you know, because the best version for me comedic Lee is to do my fucking stand up. I'm not going to be in you know, these companies that come on cares whatever. So I was like, it's interesting to me I want to do it and I did it and I played the kind of like Nemesis for the main guy for the first few episodes and it was it was it was cool, but it was drama. So you're not like laughing all day like I'm tied up to a chair. I'm fucking
I'm doing these kinds of roles where I'm like fighting and shit and and it's it's boring. You know what I mean? Like you're waiting for this shit. Here we go. You did the same thing nine times. Hurry up and wait. Yeah hurry away and we are doing it using the same thing nine times and it's a drama and I like the project and it was great to do and I'm happy. I did it and the shows great. I love the show, but the actual experience if I'm being honest to do these like thinking about the Revenant.
Don't like that saying that was fun has to be the wrong word. This is
true that fulfilling sure
reward rewarding great, but it's not fun to be in
that will make up the fuck it like the way you do your podcast you you just rant so it's like in the moment right? Then the way you do stand-up you're on stage. It's live, right? It's all in the moment. Totally this that preparation all for the premiere. There are just waiting years.
Come here. Yes, and they're the end everybody loved it. Hey, great. There are six months of my life. Yeah. Now I wait to see what I'm doing next and let's start doing the new thing or Christ. I know if you have one that sucks. Like I was talking to you Downey right after duelist Kingdom bomb. Yeah, I guess it bombed hard and the critics went after my mom. It's
good for a nine-year-old girl night, but it's just so hard to break through. Yeah. Anyway,
it's fucking it's not the best movie. That's the reality.
Got it, and the guy came off of The Avengers, which is like one of the greatest area iron comic book movie series. It means yeah, and he is Iron Man like you can have a bunch of different Spider-Man's you could you could replace Incredible Hulk. Yeah, he's Iron Man you try to have some new Iron Man people going to get the fuck out of here. That
that's not right. Saw a clip of you. Maybe if you went real young the beginning of Iron Man and he was like 27 man was never
young. Yeah in the comic sure the comic book. He was an older guy who's a genius.
I saw a clip where you were talking to him.
I love him and he was saying and you were like it would be so you were saying nobody else could be Iron Man you got to be Iron Man if ever come back you got to do it and he was like maybe I will maybe I won't you was like and you said it would be so awesome if you came back and you said it would be also awesome if you never came back like you know what I mean and I was like that's that's that's fucking I thought it was interesting because it's like
yeah I wouldn't fucking you wouldn't want to see some because he is Iron Man right but you wouldn't want to see him at anyone else do it but him hanging it up after that is the shit yeah there's some things
go bad you don't reduce to be awesome like Star Wars like I was reading this thing with this girl was who plays one of the people in Star Wars was bummed out at how bad the movie was received and she's like I had such an amazing time doing the film and I really loved it and then people just
all over it right and I was like well yeah that's that's what you do you put something out doesn't just because you enjoy doing it doesn't mean people are going to like it so if you are like if you're Harrison Ford right who spoiler got killed he might have got out
right in time yeah you know I'm saying yeah I
before those things went totally sideways it's
just like a show that's like Breaking Bad I had never seen Breaking Bad ever and I'm on season five now there's a quarantine I'm like great you know I'm watching the show it ends after 5:00
Seasons dude if a show goes beyond five six seasons it's really hard to maintain real hard I
mean like I was I watched Dexter
after four seasons I thought the first forces were fucking amazing after the John Lithgow season I was just like all right
I lost it at the John Lithgow yeah the John Lithgow when I was like yeah it's just like he would have been caught yeah he was just talking about you know I mean it's like yeah there was also like there's a terrible scene where he's choking some girl in a bathtub and like yeah times Nitro people's yeah fake number
Fake stupid rear naked one know it was Renegade choke and then he cut her leg in the bathroom. Like this is in she's not even fighting. This is not people fight you like a wild animal you would give it a try this can't hold on to somebody like that. It just you can't do a show for like walking dead. That's a great
for three seasons. It was fucking that second season was amazing grades, but then it's like okay. I got to a certain point
like this is fucking terrible show. No. Yeah,
but and it's not even it's not even the show's fault. It's the fans fault. We were
We'll keep watching this shit. It's like it you can't make a show good for 13
seasons. And unless you have like 50 people that are writing it and a hundred and eighty people that are working on the set and all those people have jobs. You want to stay employed everybody keeps going and if you quit then everyone's going to be mad at
you. Yeah, your heart's not in it anymore. I mean like, you know, Sopranos was I think six seasons? I think that's the most you can go maybe yeah lost lost
was another one by the time it was over. I was like, what is this shitty show right they used?
To be amazing. People forgot about lost lost was a fucking amazing jogger not on the show. Yeah.
I saw the first few seasons and it was just you know, that show got lost. I think that that because it wasn't it didn't come out it came up before the streaming shit. You know what I mean? Once this if that came out like a few years later, it would have been people would still be talking about it. I feel like people don't because JJ Abrams became such a big deal and now they talk about him doing other shit, which is looking for
Forgot
about it. You just too many. The thing about shows is now unlike back in the day. You can access all of them. So it's not like if you wanted to watch Starsky and Hutch 20 years ago like luck. We going to find it. Right right. Is there a DVD of stars kind of
forgot about that? You can't watch you couldn't watch
it watch it. So once a show was off the air it was just off the air, but now they just pile up. I know they just keep piling up. He's no way you can watch handmade.
tail end Ozark and stranger thing that's why I
give up you gotta be okay with giving up you gotta give up I give a shows not your bag you got to give up like like Game of Thrones I watch it for four C's I know you love that fuck I'll show you are
you I know but I just
you know what it's not my style of show man why don't you
saying mean awesome no it is all
stuff know it is awesome but
it's only awesome it's
like Breaking Bad the reason why I love Breaking Bad reason why Sopranos I love it so much is
because there's fucking
humor in it man there's humor in it
it sometimes there is zero humor in Game of Thrones true and I get that that's a style but I just can't be sucked into something four five six seasons where nobody trips where
nobody is just like awkward at a table and they're just talk about dragons in the most serious fucking way yeah but there's real dragons back then I know there were real dragons back then but still problems that real problems people are like and I'm not
reading and I'm not saying the shows not great it's absolutely great and I could never
Put that show together in my life. It's all it's awesome. But it's just awesome all the time and I need a break from it. Some neat humor is and I don't need something to be Ripple really funny. The whole time is a matter of fact, I don't want it to be evil. So funny the whole time sometimes funny. Yeah sometimes fun to watch Ozark Ozark. The first season I saw was killer loved it. Did you give up after the first thing? Yes, because it was mostly only awesome.
The only humor that ever came is because Jason Bateman is humorous. Yeah wasn't a human wasn't a humorous wasn't like. Yeah, but it's so good. The only time I can be involved in a fucking movie or something with zero humor is if it's with like Liam Neeson in it, and he's just kicking ass the whole time until the end
see I feel like he's got brittle bones. He's too old. I don't buy him with all these face punches and something guys gonna break his
hand.
I just taken as the shit to me but yeah of course he's going to have
to a while I'm like you ain't kicking everybody's ass I know but also he watches show with dragon it yeah but this is more realistic is old man is gonna punch somebody they're gonna duck then he's gonna catch them on the forehead his hands going to shatter it's gonna blow up like a balloon that's what I know yeah yeah I know that yeah I it's gonna hurt when a show
tries to be a little bit too much the realness of it you're like okay it's not real anyway so just that's all
I think I'd rather watch out break then fucking contagion mmm because it's like especially now I watch out break the other night and it was like and you were like we talked about this before park has new like how now and I was like yeah because it's still it's kind of silly but contagion I can't do I heard contagions
almost perfect it didn't like that's how
these things break out know it's great it's a great movie
but it's a game that you can play like a virus end of the world game I forget what it's called
Maybe it's pandemic. I forget what the name of the game is, but my kids were playing it long before all this shit was going on and what's crazy is the way this game works. If you have a if you have a virus that kills people quickly. It doesn't spread. I was just saying this on my podcast because the it's in the virus best interest to spread slower. Yeah. So it's hits more people. That's why this one so crazy because not only does it spread but it spreads through a bunch of people that
Don't even show
symptoms. So it's slow because it wants to survive. That's fucking creepy. This is
the weirdest fucking virus ever. It's creepy. It's so weird because I've never even heard of something where people so many people test positive and nothing happens to them weird. But some people are dead. I know I mean, we've lost a lot of like really cool interesting people are gone because of this virus and then other people would just shake it off like George Stephanopoulos.
Nothing. Well, I didn't know you had it.
Yeah, his wife's got it real bad.
The TV show is wife way back in the day and she apparently has a bad body aches and pains and Sally Wentworth. She's cool as fuck, but she's really hilarious too. So she's got it really bad. And he's
how old are they? Um, I
don't know and she's
probably like how old is she? I don't even know he's 59.
So he doesn't even have any symptoms. He said he doesn't feel anything. He tested positive and she's really struggling that Chris Cuomo guy. He's got it.
And he's just as like a mild fever
had 90 says it gets bad. Yeah mild fever. But yeah, I mean how much different do you think it would have been if Tom Hanks died would have been rough. But but people are the reason would have been a lot scared. Oh, yeah or Rita Wilson, you know if his wife died he lives
or she she lived and he died or Bill Withers didn't die from it, right he died from something else. Right? Did he have a heart
condition? Yeah, I don't get that from covid.
So he just died in the
Middle of it all so that guy from Saturday Night Live died who some brighter? Yeah that they all loved. So so sad man, a lot of people gone man. A lot of people gone. This is like I said, it is a weird virus where it doesn't necessarily really make sense where some people get it and it's devastating and other people get it and it's it's just it does nothing.
We heard my parents are fucking
to 72 70 70 71 72 my three parents know I don't know but I said it too. So
I got a pair of
my mom my dad and my other dad and know and you know, you got to think about
like yeah, I'm just at home. My mom 73 same deal, you know, they're they're worried about it though. She had young. Yeah. Yeah. She had me when she was 21. Nice. It's some one of those things where you know, when
are older and you see the news like the the percentage of people that are like above 80 that get it that survived I mean it's still like I
think you'll ever since that time yeah
it's still like yeah it's still like 90% naked but I don't like them no
no for your fucking parents fuck
that yeah my parents are healthy they take care of themselves but fuck man yeah and look 30 year olds die people young people died I was reading about this this woman she lost her
husband and her 20 year old son
the so yeah yeah nothing worse
they don't know why though this is a things like they're in the middle of gathering data and trying to figure it out so they don't know like what's causing some people to have this spectacular reaction to it where they died horribly and other people it just bounces off
some odd reason to hold the blood type thing about how am I did I
don't know if that's any valid over but yeah I don't know
it just seems to me that there's a lot to learn about this disease they don't really know the really scary shit that I've been reading as I was reading something Jaime what's that article that I sent you today were there they're thinking that it's possible that this this they're saying that this was the it's the same this area okay what is this this web service reloaded okay this is in the Daily Mail so it might be horseshit this the Wuhan
performing coronavirus experiments on bats from the caves where the disease is believed to have originated
with a three million pound Grant from the US ad blocker huh see the daily mail's at least kind of full of shit or sensationalised see if that's someone's writing that that's from a pain but here's the thing what fucking paper can you really 100% believe today do you have a paper that you go I used to
I don't know who to go to when
the New York Times for me is still my number-one Choice
yeah I mean
We'll just looking at the news to like I don't know what to watch either. Like if I'm because I keep it on. You know, now I go back and forth. I literally go from the extremes I go to CNN and then I'll do Fox News because I want a fucking at least see what the both of them are saying.
Yeah. See this. I don't like this with her saying according to one unverified claim scientist. The Institute couldn't have become infected after being sprayed with blood containing the virus and then passed it on to the local
community. Sounds like a movie it does. Well. I mean everything sounds like a fucking movie now.
Oh, yeah, this
shit our world is a movie right now. No, she'll get him down and look what him. Hey, he's everything's fine. You seen that a great job the
cartoon the American president. What the hell's a cartoon called on Showtime. It's really funny. Now, is it a trap trap to out Trump? Yeah, it's him. The guy who does it sounds like it's really funny. No, I've never even heard of it. Yeah, it's there's too many things to watch. I know I know that God you got your shit going on man, you know just do it yourself. Oh my God, I can't believe when I started a podcast my podcast like I
I was like I guess I'll try it and I'm like oh this is the
best yeah you know no one can tell you what to
do here it is oh that's yeah the cartoon president is what our cartoon president funny
man well how long is 2018 it's been yeah two to three years yeah this has been going on for two years yeah how do I not know this this too much to put field
Colbert put this
no one trolls Trump Heart Of The Colbert now look at look at look at us his sons dungeon we are did you see Trump announced take his team that he put together to start the economy again L one of the people on his only seven people on the team one of them is his daughter and one of them is her husband
he doesn't give up
fuck dude I think they backed off of that later on later in the day
yesterday with him and her yeah yeah good call what do you think maybe she'd have the fucking the smartest minds of economics and health how do you know they're
not how do you know they're never gonna talk I've heard them
talk
I just I don't get it I don't get it I don't get nepotism when it comes to saving that's fucking hardcore and comes to saving the world yeah
no I never tis mm all right you get a job with who you get a job with who you know yeah that's what happens but like to
saving the world thing yeah let's get the best the economy this is the ideas this restart the economy so you said well let's give them the benefit of the doubt maybe they have a strong background in economics new Trump panel on reopening US economy won't include Health officials oh great senior White House has to Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump have been expected to be part of
Team, but US President says they won't be included. Okay, so so he he got the bad press from that. He's like, okay. I'm surprised you guys
didn't make them add more family members. I'm troubled Double Down Trump teaches us shit. Like all you can just double down and it's better.
Yeah.
When it comes to some things is true. Yeah, I mean how many people are just barking fake news anytime. There's something they don't like that. I mean agree with if you told me
five years ago that you could just be like this that's not
true when you know, it's true and get away with it. I would be like no, but you can't as long as there's enough people that have your back. Do you know that there's that's how you get people to have your / conservative network? But what is it oan? Oh, yes. Yes. Yes.
Yes with a
guy literally.
He says even when I'm wrong, I'm right. I that's my
favorite news that that's that's what he does. So
he says one America News Network also known as one America news is a conservative far-right news and opinion Channel owned by Herring networks launched in 2013. It's in San Diego California and operates news bureaus in Washington DC dude that
looks here. If you're gonna go for it then just go for it. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? And this is the news and I'm sure of it because I agree with myself.
Chris D'Elia signing off like
guys literally says when he signs off he goes even when I'm wrong, I'm right. That's what he says.
Wow. That's
news. Yeah and is
here. Yeah. He's there it was he doing outside.
You want me to stop? He's probably talking to the seals. It gets to the security guys and start telling War Stories. Come on. You're boring. Fuck. What are you telling those guys? You know, I shut the door bro. Oh, dude. What are we living here about your dad get in here. We're talking about one. American News Network, bro. Let me ask you a question.
Thing about my dad was toast for the past 45 minutes was to explaining China to me. So how did you get questions amazing? It's amazing that you got boring already just got here. I like the haircut. Thank you. But you look at this is how we always should have been nice job bully, you know, don't let him bully you how did you know? How did you not know that the okay,
so tell me about how old are you going? You
need something? I'm in - I'm in my 40s. How do you know older and gayer than Ian McClellan? He's older and gayer than Ian McKellen.
He's older than that's a shitty lens. I have nothing else to Natural my face is and how sharp my nose is now listen look older and game is holding water. I'd eat a lot of cheese probably that night. You look like
look at him looking at you and he's saying how are you older and gayer than me?
He's biting his lower lip thinking of sucking your cock and just doing well. I met him when I was a young man and when he went backstage, I was in college and I met him at just one man. Shakespeare show you how this ends in tears right takes me this story is this
Sorry, I wasn't here. Listen. I want to say one thing before we start earning. Okay, just say please. Okay, cool. This is important. Okay, I just want to say we had found. Okay, don't be shitty here. You're not gonna be shitting. I'm not going to be shitty. I just want to say this is from the heart. Okay, but be no I'm being nice. I'm so
proud as it sounds like you're setting something up. No records. No be cool here. This is your special. It really much question is release. Yes, no
pain. So to me, it's just so satisfying to watch my
Student I still don't see how this is not going to be in the sense that my comedy child. If you will keep me in a way the way they just because you use them for me and so to watch you watch me and then to take me and then to even expand it not nothing not too deep in it but to two prominent, you know, tell them like McDonald's is what you're saying. You said that right? Oh, no, no, and that's the and it's good to see who you are. Right, so Europe.
comic right who has to keep it Reinventing himself now you're 40 okay and now we got it right now we got a deep and things and that's where I'm gonna help
you okay okay and how are you going to help me what's what how are you going to help
me Magneto's Mount helmet yeah we're gonna start with the helmet and then you're going to take we're going to sit down and I'm going to give you a reading list why are you dressed like a fucking
mannequin you are dress like a monkey crew mannequin that when you
shop at jabe fucking cruel James like it's 2003 years I like those chains
I do too but look it up
bubble Joe listen it keeps my lower maquis my lower back my mid body warm so if I have to generate torque got to throw a kick got a throat I'm not going to twist my back so my back stays you should never take
anybody I started kicks
first of all I want to say this you're welcome for on what dude how
about this you're welcome no nobody special coming out
ways how many wife beaters you own dude that's why he wears underneath he wears underneath my wife won't let me wear tank tops you know why because your wife is fucking smart and fashionable but you dude you look like you even think of that
fucking shirt you have a wife beater on bro you have an actual why certain you ever my wife beater my wife should talk like that it's like you already look like a wife beater don't wear one and so she said oh my God that's great okay you do look you have a very hard look she said you look like a meathead she goes you don't want to like give people face I knew you had a you looked your face one time you were interviewing Randy Couture and you had a wider head than Randy so that's not true that shows you what he's got
what's weird is that you can always bring a conversation around to a man's Anatomy that's what's weird that's true that is what's weird and now up to speaking of anatomy yeah you're getting older
hey why are you but now it's called so when I saw you when I see all
videos of you you look healthy and now you don't not look healthy yeah but you learn less
know right you look less listening look like you're wearing a bright Colour
match so don't ever fucking
no no now hold
on okay what now this is my house
number one you're welcome
well now you're welcome for Joe Rogan right now I
don't know where and now we're closer than you are
so JoJo said to me long time ago he remembers he said because hey it's Chris D'Elia kid you know and I said I said what he goes my Z and I go he's all right and then Joe goes okay
oh so you get on your mind yeah you got blessing the door
open now if I want to shut the door
Got glanced at him wrong. I glanced at him and your band. Okay, he's arrested show with a wife-beater on just just just a wife-beater, please look dude. I'm not going to sit here
what your what's up, dude. I
just don't understand how many layers you have when it's 80 degrees outside. Unbelievable. You look like a fucking tell me tell me right now. You're watching a
play about the 40s and then this and then halfway through he comes in you're like, that's the trouble that's a guy wherever you
traction was my beer. There you go. He's one of those guys that
It's like Marlon Brando, you know those you're not like me. Yeah, because gonna die soon. No, you know those girders where the guys are eating lunch in there like fade 80 fucking story of a percent your auntie, right you're on that picture one of them of all the guys sitting on the beach people. There's no wasted space on my body right you body. You know what? I mean? I'm not sure if you were sewing if you are building first of all will be condemned right if I was a building. I'll tell you what, I'd be more Force than you. That's what I would say is that you get the
picture, don't you?
each and every one of those guys right there the guy right there that's him the guy with the dog give me more muscles than that nah bro but what's the deal with Savages just sitting there unbelievable lunch what a bigger hook with the hands look at lunch box as a man you don't even know anybody killer baby you wasting away hey yeah you only got from Krishna the other day well I sent a video and he goes I just got this I got a text you look gaunt uh I keep piece of shit gaunt huh yeah my necklace
thicker with this hair okay so my doctor says that you're in your 50s I know but my face is more symmetrical too but why is it make your neck look thicker just from training years of training what dolphins if I got you that's a fucking burn dude it's not that's the hardest for you and too stupid for a fucking burn you do didn't burn me up for yourself do it for myself your fucking you wearing Gucci Gucci loafers uh nope I'm not gonna show ya you know why because I just got
tested
negative and you probably bought Co
video you know I'm nervous right my heart's beating I have to get my finger pricked I'm very squeamish about that know I should really your hearts can you can you do my forearm you just do your nose is your heart how to make that thing smaller anyway hey bro is your heart beating or is it weird and yours noses get bigger so I wonder if this was something we can take to keep I forgot
it's cold but still a nice gave it to
me don't be a bitch you let me ask you a
question man you are your hearts beating extra fast because you got to get your finger pricked or because you're in a room with us
I know you in a room with us
now I'm very comfortable with two Young Guns no Chris he's got a lot of tattoos I want to talk about so I got time to talk about this on Joe Rogan okay you are
mmm no
no you got flames on your wrist you're goddamn right for dope hey guys I'm thinking about putting grenades in my hand
agree why hard agree it's
not allow you can't remain you had a lot too
so it's so distracting when you're on
stage
Goodnight. I know it brought Joe. Why do you have that because I hope because I'm a bomb about I'm one grenade and one old timey bomb like a bowling ball. Oh, yes. That's a good idea. Oh, yes. I'm a beat Oakland A's in a big old cock now see that's where it gets a little bit gay. And and you know, it's just odd to have a cut on
your hand. Okay? Okay.
Can't tattoo your hand when you're in your 50s. I don't think that's why I did early on but you did it earlier think so unless you're like unless you're like a mercenary of some kind and still
grizzled and you know what you should get on your
Chuckles life rips just as a
note. I'll knock your fucking do that annoying. Thank you. No, no, it's okay. But thank you enough for doing that. You know because I took a picture with a girl after my show. Yeah, and she showed me her hand. She was look it says and it said life
reps. Yeah. She was a plant. I told her to go. I tell people yeah, you know, I tell
people to go with these tattoos for him. You know, I tell people to go
to his showing where my merch and they show up all the time and they weren't and they were and they were
yeah. I know it's a shock.
Bryan Callen should you make sure that and and they get 50
people well it's his pride and not Dan yeah it makes me so angry you know Den because he said because it is saying oh it's a saying we did he's oh yeah yeah you stole my Cadence out okay yeah let's just say that you have a paper airplane on your fucking chick damn right you know why makes me want to throw in a flying headlock show I could and I could
no you couldn't I could beat you up no
I can wake up from a nap and slap you around
by the way you can take naps right because you're
old
well it's 2:30 you know like that and then you go I'll see you guys at 3:30 all that's what you do how many times racing take a 20-minute know if you knew anything about sleep you take a 20-minute nap no more with
your legs up right because like the blood to go down yeah dude you're
too old he too old and by 20 minutes I take a sitting that this greed's a fucking thing and then changes his whole life that's you do it's right your guy friends I'm a reader the guy who's how did you guys have enough to talk about by the way didn't he run out of
It's a long time. We had an hour just on shitting. That's all we did.
We fucking talking we talked about you a little bit you
did a video of you talking about shitting in your backyard. That's funny and I ended up with like a lot of shit story. Yes. So funny. Have you jailed shit stories? We've covered a few of
them. Yeah, whatever shit myself though in my adult life. I never shit my pants I have and I know in rug was he's done it like 12 times at
least. Yeah plenty of times. I would bet money that it was 12 really solid 12 because you push and you keep going. Hey keep going.
take chances that's right and you live Hard you live close to a bone wrist take that you're always in a coffee shop so you can go right to the bank right Leaf right aren't you no you good I'm being polite was here for his displeased I drove all the way here dude hey no no I drove all the way here now yeah you did it's far yeah he's just pandemic test he's gonna take we got to make sure the around with us right now now can I ask you a
question okay but
don't be shit I'm not going to be shitty do you think how quickly do you think
your career would
stop what Screech to a halt
if you shaved your head
well you have barely any hair and you don't have a career
no no listen I have a lot of TV shows going what's the deal with it what's the deal what bald are you
well I'm really you're playing a ball guy in
school I'm not I'm I have a Hiatus right now okay yeah but I forgot the show's I might get into might be forever Chris and I might be doing some good money more more and more shows us people getting together and look how scared
crazy crazy it is crazy but it is possible you know we were we've been talking about like when do you get back to doing live shows and there's people that are thinking that it's not going to be until 2021 like like the fall of 2021 because of people it's gonna be a disaster and there's gonna be a lot of people that don't want to take vaccines there's a fucking meme going around things I would trust before I would trust Bill Gates vaccine yeah and it's like there's a there's a series of them so unbelievable you
the guy who left all his money and time and cases for me babysitting and there's a bunch of different like Bill Cosby's cocktail what if that's Russian Bots I mean or Russian Randy Couture tweeted it hmm he put it on his Instagram today that's a bummer have you seen it Jamie no here Jamie I'll show it to you that's a bummer they are
just remember though when they were locking the shit down and they were like yeah big groups of people can't gather and so Joe and I had to cancel our tour and then they were like now 10 people can't get together and you were like fire Kasich
shows
dude that's making me mad I just sent it
to you I'm sorry no because they were saying the thing about how your hey hey the kids over time here at
my house it is things I trust more than a vaccine from Bill Gates and email from a Nigerian prince of water for Flint Michigan email from a night one that's right yeah Charlie Sheen gas station Sushi that's very good
though the top right is
hilarious the internet wins water
from Michigan
a daycare run by case
Casey Anthony Will Sasso said I said because we did that Finance reading name-dropping we have a timeshare I love his calves he's the best he's got the biggest calves in the world oh my God and and he he could carry all of us he could feed us for a week with one of his back to talk
about male anatomy no
is he saying and he said I said oh well me and Brandon are going to do a sketch another schedule 3D fighter and get 3D I want to put you in it and then and you know and
could I see your face got hungry and I love doing Secret shows that nobody sees come on man we'll get you you know like a cook-off so he goes the the internet to sketch we don't need any sketch shows anymore and I was like fuck in a way you're kind of right yeah well what I'm worried about legitimately worried about is two things one this thing morphing there was an article that I just sent Jamie earlier about India where they're saying that the vaccine won't work
work on the new strain of corn a virus it's mutated in India because India has its own version of it yeah so these doctors are scrambling to try to keep up with these mutations and figure out hopefully it notation weaker version but doesn't the wrong clue mutate every year yes and then there's vaccines
for flus yes so hopefully they'll be that wins will get
right and the next flu could be like the fucking H1N1 that kills like 40% of people hold that we had morphed into a weaker so AIDS has had to compromise itself so often with these protein
Inhibitors that actually now they think when you contact AIDS it's something that incubates and you can just have without taking any drugs in some cases so they've got weaker because it got weaker so the virus could be weaker because typically as a virologist I can say this typically as an epidemiologist and historian but typically I think viruses get weaker as they are as a mutant disseminate into the population yeah - you because he does that we develop resistance to it you would know you were on Veronica's Closet
I wasn't on that show you were on that fucking shit know I wasn't
around that show do I was you play the ball gown with
I was he was on Sex in the City yeah you aren't Reba we should watch my real after this the Ball Game
Dude Sex in the City You Want Sex and the City people send me all the time shit about you fucking the girl if I was
like what the fuck u.s. may have to keep social distancing until 2022 scientists predict I don't want to hear your predictions bro I've just eaten that's not about the the
leave this shit so how are they not wrong about that that's not that's not a feasible solution either it's actually we go here we go
dude this here we go
dude listen if you catch it your Constitution is you've never you never in the sun right so no yeah are you do what do you plant dude are you
is that your snow/icy I'm gonna Italian you're not my fucking how are you
you have Irish that's where but where do you get the
Albanian no I'm not
Albanian and there's nothing wrong with that but
I'm not gonna miss Halligan no I'm not saying that but I'm saying where would you what are you what ethnic group do you think that you closely if you were to play a character job
besides what Japanese I would love to play a Japanese guy that's what I can show that appropriate can't do that I know I would love to do that but I wouldn't even do an accent and I wouldn't even like I would just be kind of a little bit Japanese about no makeup do
you don't think you'd look you could say they do taken for you'd play one of the sex traffickers in that
right I would love to do that to be doing acts do an accent hey we're to say I don't
know it's okay that's very good
that's very good I have no idea if you're barking up the wrong tree you know
2022 is not good I don't like that the sound of that that's 2022 that's bad well I don't know how we're supposed to do that thing with Chappelle yeah well we reschedule that shit
to September I know hopefully
how are we going to do that Bhajan how are we going to I don't see that being feasible I just I think they just test people
well that is right but then Trump said that there's no way Americans all Americans are going to test
well I mean I don't know you want to get tested you can get tested like Brian's going to get tested and an hour from now it's fucking easy they test your blood I think it cost two hundred bucks they fight you find out right away bam 15 minutes later you go yeah or in your case fuck Brian I don't have 200 dollars to it I have it I think Tom yes yeah I don't know testing all my guests should anybody that comes in here come
here 15 minutes for the show test your blood get in here it's a good I hugged
mm I hugged him we do not first guy touched
I'm not anybody in forever soon as he tested positive but yeah or no but here's my thing about that also is it isn't it statistically aren't we all pretty much guaranteed to catch it and not die well yeah just let some people know you know the thing about it is you really can't judge this like any other
Iris because it seems to affect people very differently we were talking about George step a lot Stephanopoulos has it and he has no symptoms his wife has it she's been devastated by it she's like sicker than she's ever been in her life wow so it doesn't make any sense it's people that are healthy and young get it in there on ventilators people are old get it and nothing happens and then some people just died and some people don't even know they have it they say as many as 70 percent of the people that have it have no symptoms at all these amazing
Don't understand it. Okay. So let me play Devil's Advocate with out with up with all due respect to the people who perished and all that is is when you have a disease like that and it isn't it the whole it doesn't it make more sense to quarantine in a targeted way. Don't we get people who are old and infirm with underlying conditions can't we target but then again is that is that reasonable because in Italy three generations live in the same house, right? Right, so that's why it was so devastating to the old there. Well, it's been great.
Places like, you know, you don't have money don't have to live with your grandparents what he's supposed to do. That's a real issue. You have to be responsible. If you live with your grandparents, you can't be out but
you can't you can't say it you bomb you can't say hey some of you quarantine then it's just going to keep the virus are going to keep going. I've got to say people
that are actually very at risk but people
who are younger get what you're saying, you
know. Well, what I'm hoping is they can come up with antibodies and they can get the antibodies in people before they have
an immunity to it before they have right brother vaccine for it yeah so it should sell your blood yeah when people have antibodies like Tom Hanks I know he donated his blood a lot of people donate their blood can I get some of that I don't think that people have to take their fucking immune system very very seriously people take their health care plan seriously they take their 401k plan seriously their car insurance here so you take your fucking personal immunity your physical body take care of that shit man most people don't there's a lot of
about they're just eating sugar and smoking cigarettes and Jimmy Burke who dug the saint that he is Jimmy Burke is this what he does New York this guy he's on his bike free of charge and he delivers food to the poor and the old and the people who can't you know and he's usually up in poor areas of New York and one of the frustrating things he gets a list from that family and he has to go by what they want and he said he goes it's so frustrating to me because they're they're they're very poor but they're asking for the worst Food Pop-Tarts
oh nuts soda it's nothing that's of substance and he's like I just want to wear every time I drop it off I want to be like I can teach you a little bit about nutrition and you'll be a little healthier and there's a lot of times really overweight diabetes is such a problem and say like in Spanish Harlem it's such a problem it's an epidemic well they said one of the things they're finding in New York City is the number one factor for having a disastrous result is over being overweight
yes like the smoking in China this is our version yeah
it's going to be a shred
it like me you're probably not going to feel people who are overweight or getting fucking destroyed by this disease yeah and that's tough man yeah obesity is what's the number one factor in New York City but I think cigarette smoking got to be high on that list okay I mean yeah when you have a cardiovascular disease anything that's going to function along respiratory expert on yeah and and it and it diminishes your lung capacity God damn man this is so scary yeah
it was a lot more fun before you got here we were talking about ourselves we talked about
you're just talking about like more like death and life I
feel weird because you don't have headphones on and we do like you're not one of us it's all right
why do you not have the headphones
on I don't like the way they sit on my
face they make your ears look bad to make you look give it look I got to be honest you guys want you have a small head it was more have a normal head
but I didn't know you said that that's the one thing I won't take no it's fine careful now but yeah you can say that because then people call me pin head or
something no what no hey the internet wouldn't call you
pinhead I didn't call you pinhead guys probably all had a shirt stop saying to people
and you with your head like 8% had that more than it really is hey hey shruts your hands just a little bit ahead Brian I don't see you're saying that now it's Gonna Catch Fire now be careful know I
I'm pilot people on the internet please don't call Brian small head
bro hey that's my bro I don't want them to
I'm sure they'll listen to me listen
listen but anyway Brian doesn't hurt
so you made a mistake and that's fine right but but the reason why it's okay that you have a small head yeah it's because you have a small body as well and uh I have broad shoulders although your head
look small for your body and leave your body still on the small side but it's not small enough to make your head look proportionate
look at me look at me what you line up a hundred supports a be 1099 right will you lose to them and I would lose to him in something that required
if you said well being a contortionist you know you got to be bendy and
that's a sport you can move his body you get nervous about me you're very many kinds of his body they don't set it go like this when I used to think my name was he can move his body even know what the fuck we will be pointing look at me I'm like
man Chris you're bending because you don't have you don't stand for anything would you be interested in having a competition with him and some sort of sport yeah but he would lose we already tried we do whatever would you try it oh my God he can't he hanging he has no wind I got wind bro and bro
I got know when you called
broken you should see me do it I had to do see you could hold a note although no longer yeah okay cool I mean I beat him by I mean it was embarrassed okay fine how long you been in by and we had it was a while but my note was way better know your shit is fucked you sound like a singer you can sing I so when you're washing your hands you were saying yeah like an opera singer stop geyser Josh Groban song I'm a fucking compliment I've never been
oh yeah he's got he sings weird stuff like old
timey yeah a young guy who would sing
Falcon that's like some Harry Connick jr. type ship yeah but new yeah Earl yeah he's a funny dude if your Madam no Josh Groban's a good guy funny guy yeah great sense of humor I believe you yeah you have to push it dude what's the deal man it's amazing you on the internet he's the best
the people on the internet don't say that Bryan Callen is the biggest Josh Groban fan
don't do that and don't say he has a small head
hey whoa hey you might be the youngest fan I love youngest fan Josh Groban I think a lot of young I think a lot of girls like him of course handsome right he's cute he's a cutie pie was I mean what's the difference he's got Chris D'Elia hair little thicker and with depth to these thicker than me no nose hair bro what do you say well that's what well no I'm not okay dude I 40 I made it bro now you have he does the bullet he's gonna pull it here I'm sure he's good he's good he's good
okay okay but
your hair your your beard is a little thank you awesome know little darker than normal so so somebody is using
what you know I don't fuck that
are you dying your head no I don't get it is
going to be 1 are
you saying that he like purposely die some of the hairs yes might be might be taking some mascara to his beard and that's okay there's a weird thing
when you see a guy and all sudden his beard is dark yeah hey yeah that's the thing it's like we get we know
you dude yeah yeah we've seen you before what are you
doing now all of a sudden you have your cart you big nasty white and now it's black yes yes and it's a weird reddish kind of brown you know that she died yeah I've done it I've done just for men and in my friend I think was Burke said hey don't ever do that again yeah because it just doesn't look natural to him yeah
yeah whatever though you're an actor sometimes you have to fucking tell you to play you know if you
to be younger if you compare like 55
you don't die well I'm sorry careful there's my gray sexy I'm a good-looking man what's the difference is June sexy grain I'm dying I'm athletic I got a
strong jaw so is not sensitive
together like you keeping it together but you're grey yeah have you seen me move around a ring on a matter you still knocked on say doing that how's your shoulders doesn't bother you so long dude this motherfucker how annoying
are you about this boxing bullshit dude I was
in
goddamn motherfucker I would I can't I got to
JFL you know Jeff all the fucking Just for Laughs yeah just for laughs Montreal I get there I get there early and I got my shows later that night and I'm like a fucking yeah it's awesome I get to see everybody it's fun were in Montreal whatever the door
the fucking elevator by the way let me know he was there the elevator opens this guy walks out in he looked like it look like it was his
schooled outfit by it was going to the gym and a fucking bitch ass backpacks and I go like this whoa alal where are you going and he goes like this I'll come on
ah man and I was like I don't know where are you going right now it was like 11
in JFL I was trying to sneak away be sleeping for still because we're all Comedians and it's 11 and we're on vacation basically and it's actually really a exactly seven yeah exactly
so be sleeping still and this guy I got it out of me because I guess there's a gym near by him Uncle
box and I was like this you know what you're so fucking annoying about the shit you really relaxing game Festival he goes because I said there's a guy who's gonna protect me around a ring I'm going to practice and you know
and he goes okay turn around right now yeah and put your buck I'm not going up the boxing that fact that he brought like things
to the JFL to be like I'm gonna pack this
I want to be ready in case there's a situation dude and I have to protect what situation bro I got it - look at the people you hang out with take it all take care of you hang out with shop and fucking Rogan oh but what if somebody starts giving you a shove around me and then you don't take care of my son man around yeah they start giving you a shovel
yes yes all day long man that's this all day long
that's
pretty good
what's wrong with your shoulders just one of their narrow right oh I'm sorry
physically can't throw punches no I can't I can rub this slope on her head right out and you come at me I check hook your whole a lot of guys when they get older that's what starts going it's a shocker right yeah so I got to do a whole warm up come on or you know what you could do stop boxing know you could do that because you're an actor but I might have to protect you because all of a sudden you crawl in the fetal position help me but I got that and then I what I gotta do is I gotta step off get off my friend right now and you pee no no don't I gotta go my car you fucking piss pants and they don't fit you why because my legs
these are from Sports and you know still had grown up mad about that shit though your calves lots of data lie lie
and say my legs aren't getting bigger go ahead like I can't
been doing even listen yeah dude the up I do squats I do if you're not
rear elevated split
squats yeah I know I saw that now your your knees at mean rear elevated split
squat either the Horse exercise is what your
knees could go at any minute right was I say it's awesome okay keep
going so you you do like this and you keep your leg elevated and you just go
down on one ball carrying oh and legged squat
so it's like a
lunge Katya but okay but it's less with your back leg how often do we learn dance class to three times a week good
I want to dance yeah we know man
well when you shoved literacy yeah you might be forced to my questions your legs and dance yeah so you can get a hip replacement right now my shoulders are perfect why do you agree shirts
I don't know because they well it sweats always under your armpits and everybody knows that okay so why do you were gracious all the time
left if you're off Dobson hot cheese on hostile you were three layers just wearing black this guy is why am I sweating is worth three fucking layers and it's an array because I run hot Jack that one layer that's pretty cool no sweat
you look sick no underarms West you have a nice body nothing all right Miss Botti very flexible can do the splits no dude chill I got it can you can you even yes I would imagine you must be mainly cardboard I mean as far as how tight you are right on tight oh God yeah can you have you ever touch your toes no bro I'm way more
flexible than you oh that's
ridiculous bring some realness into this yeah let's stop the humor I know we're being silly I know but dude I'm way more flexible than you you're flexible and say yeah it's whisper your wish
a spear right you're very long to win right so you could who could just stand there and flatten out
matter me a hundred percent your body flat meteor 100% do the bend down to right here that's it don't you talk
about yeah but like flat and there's no way I could
almost get my elbows grab your
toes and bring your hair Nimoy's
a contortionist man in a box what
put me in a box put you in a small box you could probably fit in a box that I would like to see both of you do this okay to see one at a time when I can't right now because I push the sled
I did some sled
where you go you are as old as Santa know
what what happened when you do sled work that makes might not very sore right now your hamstrings yeah everything's sore my my but every push and sleds I was pushing the snoring when the strength conditioning coach yes the answer is yes and and other the it's not means growing but I got to tell you that get you strong you're not growing you're not getting you're
not getting enough you don't need enough dicks his food around
dude eat it those heck that motherfucker now how are you eating because he doesn't Prime
Marilee and restaurants know there's no restaurant today I had today I had some butcher box filet mignons no no it's French yeah and I had some
arugula snore huh hold on
then I had some chicken with lettuce so you remember my point is you have to cut or it's not yeah because you were like that must be have been your number one complaint like what the fuck you're closing restaurants exactly well you know what that's exactly right you know what the thing is that you want and
you know what I miss is your great Instagram
those of you in a dimly lit and restaurant when you're with
Frank Grillo yeah and you're like hey we're just having a good why not but that's that's the content that not only I want everyone wants on Instagram when I
think of Instagram I think of the naked girls that are showing their pretended to show their watch but really they're showing their cleavage right I'm sure I'm thinking about the funny videos at all these young guys are doing sure and the
third thing that comes to mind is you in a dimly lit
lit fucking real somewhere in Venice oops I'm still talking with Frank Grillo talking about how good the other wine is what happened you also have a Navy SEAL with you okay what usually probably why is it always Frank Grillo this is your dining buddy that's my dining buddy he's a bachelor he's not he's my neighbor so we have nothing to do so we're both Cove it's safe so we got guys I can't hang out with and how do you know if your code word safe we did we take a risk you're not in chance to he's too good-looking we're close were
close
he's a good-looking
guy Graham who wants you want to be friends with him so bad bro let me tell you right now okay right now I'm cool tell him to come here in 45 minutes and get tested
too that's a good call look I will I will I'm cool text him and I'll tell you right now I haven't done it I haven't even put my fucking shit out there yet if I want I could be better friends of Guerrilla then you are that's what the crazy thing about it is he knows deep down no no he knows deep down don't
say that well I'm just hoping these fucking restaurants like Felix stay open yeah I'm you know I'm worried because that play I
fucking crave that place they have takeout Felix L a.com your tar but dude I'll take a chance it's the best no no that would that would kill me I talked to Janet yeah how's she doing she had to layoff she had fur love 700 employees this is a fun fast oh my God 7 or someone like that to put crates that much employment she got all these great restaurants it's a nightmare it's a Nightmare Man Jesus Christ I haven't hundred hurt you ever been in a place Felix and Van assess I don't think so fucking amazing
it's that
so good look I know I was
generally don't eat pasta but at that place I do it's so good I ate there once when I was on that carnivore diet and the whole month of January and I ate with Brian and what was the dude's name that her friend Kyle and so we all I'm sorry I'm sorry Alex Alex we making my name first and then to the real one Alex Alex engine starting man Kyle I had probably the best steak I've ever had in my life I agree it's amazing some believe it's so good but it's just like the everything that
atmosphere the foods it would be such a tragedy if that place went under well his you know
that if it was honored with this we have Brian's Instagram videos right
you never go out to dinner you go to swingers only show that Congress is closer they went on they went under the cloak crazy that was we'd hang out with my favorite diner man was the only 24 hours a day you can go there three o'clock in the morning and get an amazing meal it was all I know that's that place was so good Joey Diaz call me so sad it was Joe Rogan how many times you take me to fucking swingers I know
you know that this guy let me tell you what his routine was forever forever ready he would wake up because I would watch Chris I go let's go eat could not have been his not a on a and he never went out ever ever never wanted to dinner I was like what's going on never had a drink of alcohol so I was like what do you do and he goes well I have a routine and I said what is it he goes I usually sleep till 12:00 and then I got out and I drink coffee and then I get on Facebook and then I and then I go
go to the supermarket a supermarket and I get white bread nice
turd tomato I
would I know you guys don't eat must know you always have red monster rye bread mayonnaise yeah turkey and cheese and cheese and I eat that then I hang around of coffee again yep and he goes then I took a shower mmm then like I go back on Facebook you know yeah and then I then I write a joke maybe and then I go to stand up yeah every single day where you forgotten fucking
the room part you forgot the level
the robot but that yeah but bro that life was awesome that was awesome and I'm glad I did that and you're saying it like I would be insecure what I'm saying it and I didn't say it like that it did say those things but it didn't say it like you don't you are a house cat you are as active as a house cat is that fair this is your man catches bullshit you stretch you hang around you your nobody can hang more than you doing nothing dude my shoulders go far stop it's not shocking is my shoulders I have spoken on his first days my shoulders go
go on for days you want to know the future you ask me listen my shoulders what you see our straps and a knack that's from sports that's from Combat Sports that's from being a wrestler that's from coming into contact with objective reality did oh sorry active reality I'll take care of it it's
obnoxious I say covet I don't take a run at it go
because you live essentially in the schreyer you're basically a man Hobbit aren't you taller the shroud of the shires is very he's an innocent Chris is an innocent look at Brian you don't help
what is that fucking me they look at the brand-new crushed you look at was Brian years ago and now it's Brian no I'm not I weigh as much as a lot of water yeah but give me some right now
they do be nice about it man you
should get it for you I should have coffee right now you're not a good host but yeah some coffee all over the place we have people that work here are these fucking are these nails no those are
wild boars tusks yeah wow and my buddy Adam Green Tree same guy who shot that thing he gave me those and he ever slain a bore yeah you have yeah hmm tough animals yeah they're that to hone ranch place of hunted them a couple times out there they're interesting how's the meat it's very good yeah what's weird though is we were in the we were walking down this Trail and we heard them fighting in the bushes and if you didn't know any better you like they did they had no idea
were there you would think they're demons good luck yeah they were they were going to war with each other oh it sounded horrible yeah it's a horrible sound don't worry I'll never be on the field with the fuck you up man
animals are
wild pigs will fuck you up yes Terry yes they will yeah there's so that's that's a old boars tusks that's what that is hmm yeah yeah just watch Chris Christie does he always look at this look at this
no no man
we got so what you drink black coffee you are rugged no no
hey just got a point no mama rugged boy I watch this no camping at all
ever no I went out with my buddy backyard once and be fucking went into the woods a little bit and we stayed there and then out of nowhere this old lady was like can you guys keep it down
like with the fuck's that and to this day I think it was a ghost I don't
think you know what you should do actually all bullshit aside we should go hunting you come you you stay at the campfire you know you can't show yeah you should be you should be waiting for us when we come back within a pair of the meal that's right so you be our guide and you can shave down after we not going to shave it down and let me finish after you shave down you make us a meal and afterwards we fuck you dude what is so fucking way whoa
in the wild nobody's looking but we all know
they got fucking cameras out there bro they just
they probably do now this guy and I we were in the throat area broke breaks it was such a trip was so great he fucking dope into attacked Cactus I pulled quills out of his ass and his dies he pulled them out of my thighs and we were doing weird shit we got so stir-crazy at one point we're just looking at it was so fun though I take a shit and I'm eating that mountain food so it looked like mustard and this fucking
took a picture of it and put a fucking stick with a flag made a flag out of aluminum foil like what they literally we're in our late 40s for this like a couple of morons morons it was some good I've never laughed when you go hunting in your miserable you laugh so hard well you and I did oh yeah we had a lot of
fun back lip is so funny
that was a different one that was was console got you that clip that was also very funny though that was our friend Doug durin's Farm in Wisconsin where by the way they don't even need to meet there anymore because there's so many
IM instances of well they test it of CWD they're terrified of that that's the I've been playing with it that's what I'm scared of more than any virus those prion diseases that those are terrifying because you know rain just waste yeah you don't the chronic wasting it doesn't jump right now from Deer to humans but it could my uncle had that and he basically my I'm sorry mad cow he had he had spent a lot of time in Africa and they don't know what happened but his
rain got holes in it yeah and it was it I should hate Mike who is this call my Uncle Frank but in fact he's my cousin okay you're lying I'm bad he's just a different person so we realized he was wrong I call my uncle friend you call it to one
person Kyle her name was fucking
alley I know I change it up that's not a good thing man it's a guy that's my mother's first cuz heard my mother my mother's first cousin and he they spent a lot of time in Africa and he had holes in his brain well what happened to him in there I watched that it's a deterioration
that's well you know Justin Ren the guy won't fight for the Forgotten belt or heavyweight yeah I do too he's he's got some sort of a parasite and I don't even know what it is he spends so much time so deep in the Congo he's actually catching parasites that they don't know I'm sure don't know what they are it's where Ebola hangs out to and all kinds of shit
yeah was it you yeah
scares my shiver and just a spiders and shit that'll kill you crazy oh yeah crazy spider
the Congo that operate in packs have you ever seen them
yeah well nothing would be
scarier no I have to see my haters that see if you can find on YouTube and should you can find yes spiders in The Congos like like a rat will likely run into this spider web that all swarm it why so scared yeah that's so scary great impact like crabs yes like packs hmm yeah yes just take his wallet
no it's my schedule got too close to him
why does your wallet of a snake on look at this
animus you know they're poisonous to where where where meet the spiders that have formed armies 50,000 Street forget it BBC Earth yeah the BBC Congo documentary is the one that I saw that has it the video is no longer available son of a bitch young crab I'm sorry dude you know you don't it just happens is there a good French restaurant in La that will be closed by the time this is over let me think how many restaurants yes I'm not going to be done melis melis is a rosetta it's in Santa Monica
that's an amazing friend how many restaurants going to be left over when this is all said and done well a lot of restaurants got a moratorium on paying rent okay this should all get yes so all those landlord should be like hey look yes you got to realize what's happening you want that future rent no one's going to come along and start a new restaurant and spot that's a good point you could be out of business for fucking years the restaurant owners that I know have cotton that yeah the whole story and and the biggest question is remember the landlord's then I responsible the banks
so you know if it once it starts rolling up to the bank's now we got a real problems right that's that's the issue what do you think what do you think about Trump's idea to bring it back what a disaster play with the crowns over the food wasted as coronavirus scramble supply chain
70% of his crops are just going to trash the trying to get some of it away to food food banks and whatnot but the heat a quick
get out there and
that helpful you're not we me get out there all right it's not helpful you're not being helpful is not a solution to it's only 700 acres and get it done hey stop being a pussy Farmers me a terrible president you'd be a terrible president he'd be the best yeah I would I would have said would be the
best in everyone knows it you know I
Chris is so not politically doesn't pay attention to any of
this stuff here's the deal I don't know I got I was talking about pizza get I'm a podcaster the date men those motherfuckers when you talk about pizza gay people look do some fucking
research dude it's so funny oh she'll come
Hilda Leah someone who said he's hanging out with Carolyn too long you don't believe in the fuck I guess you're not even worried about
5G yeah I know exactly exactly that was one too but dude it's so funny so I was making fun of it and people get mad think it's and so I'm like look we don't know the real deal we don't know what's going on so it's like what the fuck we don't know what's going on how you going to find out what's going on on Google we go find out on Google yeah well he's not going to
China I don't know ask China hey Chyna it's going on they're not going to tell you the truth no they get the fucking 22
I don't think it's in China's interest to that I guarantee China's going to clean out those wet markets in tunics their back open are they yeah there was a video of them today yeah the wet markets are back open now yeah despite them saying that they're going to shut him down Spike you know what they did do they took dogs off of the livestock list but they still eat them what about bats is didn't Karana come from a bat well they don't know man did he say it is likely right there saying it's likely that it came from a bat but they're also
so saying it could have come from a lab where they were working on bats and accidentally escape this is they have a rule that out anymore right they ruled it out initially but now they're realizing like well they actually were working on coronavirus according to Daily Mail yeah I don't know did you find a legitimate version of that story that's not the knives are very malediction right not legit they'll email you wake
up every morning you drink a milkshake and you listen the daily Mound pick up milk shake fuck you it's Guerrilla
coming over to let's see find out if he's gonna make it to get tested
when oh Jesus even look he said yes oh good beautiful I'll tell dr. but where is he dr. fate sent me the text me the address okay Tim okay we'll do that you guys Talk Amongst yourselves
okay so anyway Brian yeah what do you think's going to happen in your life
now well besides the fact that I'm going to come up with a vaccine
I'm sorry what yes dude what's up with you where do you find your special
well it's on my
specials on Amazon no it's on Amazon Prime is called complicated shapes
very highly rated called honestly you have the first Tinder special right you do oh no yours have so this red box and you can only get it on right now careful outside of a
7-Eleven and that's good yeah dude I'm happy that people are
gonna honestly get your stuff it's Roku bad no I know
but what's being shitty right not being shitty you're being annoying especially red boxes are all born Amazon Prime red box and it's free Red Box original Bryan Callen I'm on Amazon
I'm shucking and jiving and there's a new sheriff in town and I'm about to and I'm breathing down your neck did you send me the address Joe dude yes I just
say it loud and say it loud on the
air for this shit Whitney one of her friends went to Santa Barbara to quarantine and a fucking bear is trying to get into the house look at this are you serious yeah look at this this video they're
yelling be safe quarantining in there's a fucking bear trying to
bring their just trying to get through the screen door to them he's the guys
yelling I give a bear point I just give oh yeah Santa Barbara hello Chef yeah because there's no one driving well you had a bobcat right as I was crazed yard so because no one's driving there's less traffic animals like what's going on and they start slowly creeping into cities wow fucking
bear I'm bear happy moved with me Soros pretty big what about a little one
free if your legs were in proportion with your torso and we all would you tell me I don't
teardrop right here above my knees
but yeah that's not true that really annoyed me when you said that on your inline dough coyotes are roaming San Francisco's empty streets is a city shelter in place order ode of he keeps people in their homes yeah there's coyotes all over there what if
I had a button down on it was like oh there's something took our jobs
they just get smarter
coyote invested in stocks
well there's a crazy video that someone sent me of a rat setting a trap setting off a mousetrap of the stick
no New York right have you seen that
James has to be new you're right I don't know where it is but that's crazy New York is
having rat Wars where the restaurants are no longer open so they're not leaving garbage out so rats are going into other rats territory and cannibalizing them wow yes it's rough right now apparently apparently it comes to plague yeah to what's happened what happened bro hey your honor if you'll look at you run you told I literally just thought I just ran out of Italy just talk why
I'm hungry
I could see I literally thought I'm hungry it does when you do Rogan when you do Rogers Park
it right before but because it's a 70 hours yeah yeah I'm dragons from Monday to Tricia last time I was on his pockets he goes like
this your fate and huh
and I'm like what is this point yeah yeah Marcus to get mad at me why are you have this podcast so long was your podcast so long you should edit it yeah I can't find the video you
fucking people are watching who gives a shit
keeping somebody sent me this goddamn video I'm trying to find it I know it's his podcast getting really popular yeah
popular
we popular that's what you were
saying this is a podcast No Angel his pockets again really popular yeah what am I a fucking idiot let me getting popular shut up dude I'll smack you around you know Marquez is popular bully if I wanted huh there it is here is watch this rat oh dude that's insane this motherfucker walked up to that thing with a stick watch him said it he knows what's up
that's genius that is it in Flint chain he didn't even Flinch when the Trap set off because he knew it was coming look at this whatever that thing is trained to do that maybe it's just here at either way come on man you think it's trained to do that I'd be in a lab
and they did get they did get footage of it so
yeah that's a good point guys why you guys gotta run the part I'm sorry I'm just a realist and it's a good angle that I'm sorry it's a really shot well yeah but even if but here's the thing that's like one of those things where when one lab rat learns a man
in the other side of the world Rats on this side of the world learn the maze quicker you heard that now yeah that's true yeah we collected this teaches Rupert Rupert sheldrake called it morphic resonance he's after my comedy because I started doing and he just like that's possible and then once they you see what's possible you fucking follow me
yeah it's so interesting yeah because I wasn't even aware of it you're
welcome no no isn't that your name your podcast name what's called
relations but I may as well yeah broken who's got you walk shit doesn't someone have one called you're welcome you're welcome probably what's Whitney's called good for you good for you yeah good for you congratulations what was yours called mixed mental Arts as we were trying to figure out yes hey dude hey dude hey dude
and he stands podcaster God he's fucking great and he Stomps a brilliant guy he's a brilliant dude and he's so modest was funny about him as you start talking him and some of his friends there is he and he goes well he was the youngest Navy SEAL not anymore but he was he started 17 he's got the longest sniper shot he's got all these things at and he stopped the he'll never tell you about until somebody says that you goes that true and he goes yeah I guess he's and he's fucking the I have long conversations with if I want to get a great on something that motherfucker
he's wrong he's a really nice grey really interesting guy and also a maniac who had the world record for flying squirrel suit he flew the farthest distance had both like he gets in squirrel suit he jumped out of a fucking Airship everything he does he's one of those guys everything he does he's their shit outstanding spacious SEAL Team Six guy not not not sick devgru don't worry about all right dude cover your fucking ears don't let any literally have headphones look at me when I even say SEAL Team Six okay fucking look who's just written and go make me a coffee
now won't you that's sexist you talked to him in a way that's making him want to go camping
who yeah this guy get the fuck away from
you you gotta come burn you gonna sell houses burn know you're gonna carry my bags and carry my shit Bro cook for
me now bro I'll be my concubine remember how I remember member in in San Diego long time ago I did a groups member when I was in San Diego long time ago and I opened for you
yeah what happened what happened I just have a simple question wow you did a deer that got hit by a fucking no no but what I mean is and you were in it
- what happened okay listen I'll grant that you are the Taylor Swift comedy all right - right you're not Led
Zeppelin all right but you
pop you're an old guy why would you even bring up LEDs are all due respect to Taylor Swift who I like because I like I watched all you back yourself think someone was gonna gonna film specials again when is that gonna help just so glad my don't know team out you you nailed it
nailed it luckily yeah like I was
saying with Louis Louis C.K filmed his
wire looking right there because he filmed his like in March yeah he filmed it March looks like March 6th or 7th and he just put it out I don't know man I might not optimistic it doesn't look good man shop has a date for the end of June in Spokane Washington he's crazy and I said that's very
optimistic oh just a date not the
special yet one thing is that Washington State they got hit early so they might open up quicker I hope so isn't there a coordinated effort among Governor's too slow
Olli open this whole thing up right I don't know if they know what to do because no one's ever done it before right so it's one of those things where we going to do when I watch one state do it and fuck up and then we're going to go okay let's not do it the way North Dakota did it let's try to do it the way Arizona did it and bigger question is like something like Disney World how do you open Disneyland is how do you do that watch so good quote if somebody catches covered when they're there
when you would sue Mickey with a mask on a man with a
mask do you signed USANA
around the side relieving ears around those big
ears
going to be a new Disney
character Colvin Mickey
he warned the California should prepare to enter a radically different realm where residents continue to wear masks and where they will be greeted at restaurants by waiters wearing masks and gloves with disposable menus in venues that have half as many tables Jesus fucking
Christ for the Governor's
this is from Gavin Newsom told reporters to check back with him in two weeks when he may be able to outline exactly
it dates of California's he's a flattening and then decline of coronavirus coronavirus hospitalization rate he's dealing with worst case scenario that I and I think that all of them are around yeah I just think we're going to I think human beings adapt I really do I think I think that's not going to be the case I think after a while people going to be like fuck it well Waiters with masks on is going to be a strange there's going to be a lot of opportunist that cause crime because a lot of people wearing math fuck yes it's very good
very different world
by my side where Richard Nixon mask anyway that's the mascot used to really I just put a Richard Nixon mask yes presidents like a point-blank point break
but yeah yes Point Break right Pat you're crazy we made you a new version of that
don't work yep yeah oh I saw it we talked about was it I love the original dude it's like everything that was special about it's the same thing with the Total Recall movie and I love Colin Farrell I think he's great but they did that it's like they just took everything that was special about the fucking movie and they just made it
a straight action
movie they shouldn't do that anymore with everyone the money's why do they redo movies just make a new movie what is it best movie you've seen the while the latter in the past year into the spider-verse have you seen that now it's a really great it's amazing it's an animated Spider-Man movie but it won awards in shit I think it's the animation spectacular it's really fucking good the plot is great it's a great movie I was a little skeptical might come out of cartoon Spider-Man movie with a pig there's a pig in it
like this is for the spider it's you haven't heard this it's great I went to this like he's away for the book to come out it's fucking great the book about the movie yeah I'm a reader know it's like it's cartoonish but it's not the animation is amazing it's like it's really good man I was blown away I heard it was good so I was like I heard his good and we do movie night with my kids so we decided to sit down and watch and it was fucking amazing blew me away I watched a quiet place again
let's have a good
fucking that's my that's what was really good but why didn't they just turn everything all up well why did they just turn everything Allah because the and then the aliens would have heard everything and then everything would they wouldn't heard that people walking around
mmm
shit it was a great movie but why didn't they do that
because the aliens would kill everything where there was sound how many aliens are more there we don't know yeah but there's going to be a second one coming out yeah wrestling movie is really these movies they're fucked like that he's Wonder Woman to that movie Blood
spot bloodshot whatever with Vin Diesel that was going to bomb anyway now at least as an excuse you know what I mean
you know what I mean because now they can be like oh there was a disease that's what
did was he beaten diesel in fucking anything other than Fast and the Furious all this all this is the Vin Diesel movie with no cars a let's fucking line up
sitting down going on
with a gun yeah he could be dude no fucking
oh yeah bomb because I comb it okay cool
he was in that one movie though what does that movie where he could only
see it he see in the
dark no no no black pitch black pitch dark that was cool that was
a good move in top there are no that was a good move there is zero fucking movies I think in going to be in production up until then why don't they know how can they produce why don't they
know what movies are going to bomb beforehand it's so fucking
obvious yeah cats was going to eat shit and you knew that and if you didn't know that then don't fucking associate with me due to Hollywood is so dumb sometimes
times man that fucking movie that came out called like have mercy or some shit with Michael B Jordan no do you remember that movie no no because of course it was going to fucking what was it about I don't know it was like a lawyer or some shit get the fuck out of here yeah dude you just know what movies are gonna bomb yeah and Hollywood's like know this pump some money into this one dude you know it's gonna bomb it's so fucking
obvious they make mistakes for sure
but that but it's like dude sure make another fast and furious I get
it make fucking you know Van Helsing okay people can go see that
but come on yeah people have
chances though there is a movie with Chris Harris site there's a movie where Chris Evans plays a trumpet player oh you made that up until you made that appointment with me Jamie Foxx played a homeless guy that was a brilliant musician it was an amazing movie remember that movie what was that yes was that movie yeah but that but you can tell Don jr. and Jimmie Foxx today may go see it yeah it was a really popular movie oh yeah but you can tell something's gonna go see a movie Jamie Foxx can almost do any case and that's what Chris Evans
a guy who looks like a guy any kid would
draw if you said Hey kid
draw somebody they'd by mistake draw Chris Evans and you're going to give him a trumpet and make the movie about that are you out of your fucking mind is going to be zero dollars and we knew that but maybe that's great they might have heard of a k Whiplash you know but that's different because you get a kind of unknown guy playing a fucking against the kind of unknown guy about a guy playing the drums and look at this fucking shit handsome these girls are excited they want that dick can you play the
trumpet
I heard that he learned how to play the trumpet to do this movie that's an end it was too hard and he gave up yeah that's well
fuck you know this look at this look at this is that really what this movie is about
no knock on Chris Evans by the way there's some guy
yeah handsome guide good Captain American actor but just nobody's gonna step movie that's on me yeah don't want to call player B throw a shield is available on iTunes before we go what would you have me do you want to play bro what do you want to play your dream role all I want to do is
actually movies
you do that's all up bro I've told you
I've told you that's what do you want to act like it's new at the computer like I think I broke
here they come and I'll close the shot row come on we're not going to
play Hey dude hey check this out do it do it go ahead do
it you're playing the guy playing the guy who does that do to the guy who does that dude but what do you do about it they are doing also
nah bro I'm in a fucking I got this action movie coming out
do and have to shoot you from you got an action movie coming in legitimately because it's a movie so fucking annoying
Zack Snyder movie he did like all the show inside yeah he did don't you know that will be Dawn of the Dead you ever see that one is the new one that's article Army of the dead
it's you're doing a zombie man yeah bro no sir
shit who's sending me pictures of him dressed like a soldier it enjoyed the shit out of fucking sounds like he did a good job you with the dude from an area Dave Bautista is named Batista yeah oh you my God you look fantastic thanks dude no they all look they all look at their big tough guys that Michael Jai
White I'm the biggest guy there except for Dave Batista so go fuck yourself in a tell you also you look at that in Dubai it bro and I know my goodness I'm buying
those guys are all bigger than you none of those guys except Dave Batista I'd like how you got the spicy lesbian looking Latino girl with the headband that's important and she probably swears a lot yeah it says things like suck my dick and she's helped us to the
second ever at this point maybe but I will tell you this they got every fucking walk of person in that movie they got every we have to Netflix it is global they have Indian star they have a star that's big in China is that Michael Jai White no that's Maris from power that
shower
strong guy Omari
Hardwick Batista's huge pieces of but he's teesta is are these really nice guy the nicest dude the nicest bottom guy the nicest guy the band a good guy to like just a straight-up honest guy
beautiful yeah let's end on that we got to test Brian and make sure it doesn't have look at this what is this thing that's a Bushwacker fuck I want this so badly in my car do you yeah what do you do with it well let me tell you I would be like okay well if there's a zombie apocalypse I'm fucking I'm cleaning house you get behind me
get behind me Christmas as and you hold on to my belt loop as I fucking Justin I just cut our way to safety do you want one of those things yeah I do what would you do with it I don't know I just like put a Mike Jones knife and tool on Instagram as the ground makes it also made me this knife it makes some nice stuff he does I like his knives let me see
that Brian how many times did you watch my special so far
dude but I've I do I perform with you I know what you're going to do nice Damascus what's the deal with raccoon
that's a good bit actually your specials out now on Netflix what's it called again no pain no pain doors is not on Netflix I don't know mine is called No Pain No Pain this has been a good time really fun let's just see if thanks Joe Brenda thank leg come see me in 2021 when I can do stand up again 2022 according to Gavin Gavin news we have to move to Montana to do stand-up we can be free goodbye friends
thank you friends for tuning into the show and thank you to our sponsors thank you to policy genius you will never be angry about your choice when you buy life insurance to policy genius and just a few minutes you could find your best price and apply at policy genius.com we all get things wrong from time to time at least we can get life insurance right with policy genius policy genius.com where oh so brought to you
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