I Get Psychoanalyzed on (Almost) Dying

I have no desire to ever go back to a gym and lift weights the way I used to, pushing myself to the heaviest. Now, for me, workout is play. It's an elegant dance. When I'm doing rings, I'm doing ballet. And I've always loved the ballet, but rather than watching, I'm performing ballet purely because I exist.

There were times where I remember thinking 'Look, I almost left. I came so close to leaving this planet. And it was so easy—maybe I should. This is not worth it. This is really not fucking worth it what I'm going through.' It was just so bad ... I remember thinking 'I'm a good man. I don't deserve this. I've done real good in this world, and if I left now, I leave good behind, but going through this is not worth it for me.'

Things like ayahuasca, I've done it dozens of times. I've done it by myself in the jungle in Guatemala at the foot of a Mayan pyramid with snakes and monkeys around me ... All sorts of crazy stuff ... I want to know what's inside me. I want to know what this whole show's about.

And the anesthesiologist came, and I remember her because she had these really cool dangling earrings, and she had these cool glasses, and she was brown. I think she was Hispanic. And I don't know why, but I had to tell her... I looked at her and grabbed her hand, and I said, 'Look, I'm scared.' And I felt this fear—I'd never felt fear like this before. It was like a pure fear. And she just held my hand. And I remember at that moment feeling fear and regret of being there alone and who I wish was there.

The gym, I've always said, was my happy place. Wherever I travel to in the world, I had to find a gym. Put me in a room with the rusty, rusty weights and former prisoners... and I am happy. They speak my language.

If I ran into the man, exactly a year ago, right before the surgery... If I ran into him, and who I am today at this moment... I would recognize him, and he would recognize me physically, but in his mind, I'm so different. I'm so different in my mind than I was a year ago. It's insane.

I think I wrote about this in 'Love Yourself' as well—this belief that I've had that you grow through difficult, challenging situations. And trust me, after last year, I worked hard to break that belief because I'm done. I'm tired ... You can also grow—and I have grown through life—through love and just doing things out of comfort.

Maybe death is the ultimate surrender, and you have zero choice, and we all go through that. One day, we will have the ultimate surrender. You lose control of everything, and you have to give into that.

I take full responsibility for myself because look, I'm the only one who's consistent in my life.

After the fire burned him into a crisp and it was all said and done, he looked inside himself, really looked, and realized, 'Holy shit, that's when the Phoenix was born.'

I was a week into the opioids, and I stopped. Two reasons: One is I noticed my mind liking them ... It's not that the pain disappears, it's just that you don't care about it. You start to just float through life not caring about it ... I was like, 'Oh shit, now I get why people get addicted to this.' And my mind was liking it too much, so that was one signal that you got to get off this before your mind starts needing it.

My traveling around the world with a backpack and not speaking the language in the countries I was in—that came from, actually, thanks to the the military ... Put a backpack of my back, I can handle myself anywhere. I'll figure it out. That's part Kamal, part thanks to the military.

I was that kid who was trying to figure out the nature of reality as long as I can remember. I wanted to know what this whole thing was about. I really want to know it.

I don't know if I run from dangerous things ... I don't think I want them anymore. I'm done with the drama of it, but it won't stop me. I don't like fear; I hate it. I hate it.

I've always known that I have a great heart, but now, I'm just fully all-in on it. This is the only thing I want to lead my life.